Wednesday, November 18, 2009


The definition of which is "marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream".

Hospice called last night and Dad has taken a surprisingly fast downhill slide. Sister and I were going to meet staff for a caregiver meeting on Dec 1 but it needs to happen sooner rather than later so we'll go tomorrow.

It's so weird cuz you THINK you are prepared. Not like I didn't think this would happen and it is a blessing because he's been suffering for so long.... really it is.

And yet it still sorta sucker punches you. I'm o.k. when I'm "doing". Making the calls I need to make and arranging times and looking through files for paperwork. Totally and completely fine and normal.

Only today hospice called me while I was at work. Which is fine - I'd rather they call than not. We discussed tasks... I was fine... anointing and priests and other Catholic things. And that got a little surreal. Movie like. Like I'm watching it all go down from a distance. This can't really be about MY family can it?

And then the hospice guy veered off the task path.... he said there is some sort of certificate celebrating the life of the dying person that we'll get tomorrow and could he ask me some questions? Sure I say confident in my "task oriented calm".

He asks about Dad's employment - says he can see that basketball was a huge part of Dad's life and asks about his personality. Goes on to say that I'm a great daughter and it's been a long, hard journey for everyone...

And I couldn't respond to him cuz I knew I'd start crying at my desk.

Why do they have to be NICE? Nice gets me every time. It's not a "to do"! It's not on my list!

I was completely silent trying to get it together... and he took this as license to keep saying kind words and comforting things, which was only making it worse.

I finally squeeked out that he was making me cry and I had to go. I'm sure that tomorrow will be an emotional day. I wonder how it will be with my sister there? If it can sucker punch me and I think I've been as prepared and as expecting for this to happen as one can be.... well, what will it be like for her? Will she realize or will she stay in the river o' denial? "He's exactly the same!" I can hear her say.

Is it gonna be like a big Jerry Springer show with chairs flying and shoes being thrown? No, no, no. It won't be that bad... that's my dramatic side popping out to say hello. It's just going to be very odd and very surreal.

While I like to keep my little blog on the light and funny side... it's been hard to see the funny side of life with all this stuff going on. It's kinda weird how this sort of thing completely scoops up all your energy and devours it. nom nom nom. Please bear with me and hopefully we'll get back to the fun side soon.

I think the very best-est thing about seeing my friend in Seattle was the complete and total void of responsibility, real or imagined, in my life for those 4 days! Boy howdy, what a nice break that was.

And yes. I did say 'boy howdy'.


DebH said... are making me cry now...I sure hope you can muster all the inner strength you can scrounge up for your day tomorrow. That darn thinking and thinking about it all is the thing that boggles the mind. It can really screw with you even while you're sleeping or trying to anyway. My first loss for me was my Grandma and my Father showed me how to handle just this sort of stress when I was about 14. He took me and my Sis out to a grain bin and had us scoop it out..shovel by shovel. All the while we cried like babies but it sure worked. I didn't understand it then, but he said..just keep your body working...hard he told us. It will keep you strong and that gets you through it. I realize it now when things really get really hard and we are faced with a loved ones death, that it can work. It just takes me a while to remember to get active and do something that requires extreme word and no thinking. All the while you can cry and cry and wear yourself out so sleep is inevitable. I hope you know I understand your thoughts and do NOT beat yourself up! Life is the shits sometimes. I will be thinking of you. Hugs

Heather said...

I wish you the best in this situation with our sister. I hope that you can both maintain the importance of the situation and come together for this.

Shanster said...

DebH - I can completely understand what you are saying. You are a wise woman and I sure appreciate you. Thanks -

Heather - I think it will be fine. She called me today to see how I was. We are both trying. It's never been an easy relationship but I think it will be o.k. -- I really don't know what to expect.

It's all very weird cuz there are so many emotions in my head... and I'm sure she has her gazillion emotions too.