Friday, May 27, 2016

A victory...

Celebrate your successes.  No matter how small.  They are still successes!

Went to the gym extra early the other day to get my ass to work early.  I went to wash my hands and the woman who used to say hello to me at the gym pre-divorce - the sister of a Barn Person - was washing her hands in the sink next to me.


I walked up anyway - thinking grumpily how it was so early and now I had to deal with THIS first thing?  Show my tough face, wear my armor when I just wanted to go work out.  I stared ahead, minding my bid'ness.  Steeling myself.  Mantras in place. 

She stopped mid-wash - staring directly at me in the mirror and said in a very indignant and sarcastic tone;  Uh... GOOD MORNING.

Sigh.  What the fuck do you people want from me?  Why can't they just leave me the hell alone. 

I looked at her.  I said good morning.  I dried my hands and I left to roller and activate and work out.

When I left the bathroom - the hamster started running on that wheel. 

Have I mistaken her dislike for me for the past year and a half?  Did I imagine her walking right past me and staring right through me when she used to say good morning to me? 


And even if I did? 

This person is not my friend. 

I do not owe this person anything.  Not any thing. 

I never did things with this person on my personal time.  I know through personal experience what her sister thinks of me - that was made crystal clear.  I have heard through at least 2 people what this woman's mom thinks of me - and I DID have very personal relationships with her sister and mom - for years and years and years.  Over 20 years they were my second home/my second family. 

And what?  I'm to think this woman standing next to me looking so indignant was my champion, my lone supporter in her family's opinion of me?  pfft.   Riiiiigggghhhhhhtttt.  She hasn't talked to me for ages. 

Let her be as offended as she wants to be that I didn't acknowledge her existence.  She said good morning in the snottiest way possible - I said good morning back to her.  shrug. 

Let her go forth and tell her family how different I am and what a bitch I am. 

Don't care.  Don't.  Fucking.  Care.

And then my hamster stopped running cuz my thoughts made sense to me, I felt grounded and strong and remembered all the people in CA that LIKED me and enjoyed my company - I smiled to myself remembering them - seeing their smiling faces -  and I did my workout and focused on my movement, my ability, my weights and hello endorphins. 

It didn't crush me to see this woman who at one point meant something - an attachment with a family that is no longer mine.  It didn't make me feel sick to my stomach, didn't make me have any sort of panic attack, didn't make me shaky, didn't make me overly angry.... I simply went about my day. 

So yeah.  Victory. 

Monday, May 16, 2016

A Break...

I really like leaving Ft. Collins these days... I know I won't run into anyone that knew me when I was married.  No averted eyes, no avoiding at all costs, no hearing about the nasty things people say...

It's a nice mental break in not prepping myself for the worst all the time. "Stare at the ground when you are at Country House... don't look to see who is driving past... stare straight ahead when you go into the women's locker room at the gym..."  Planning my game face and my "ok - if you see X, just smile politely and say good morning - don't let it get to you, you are ok." 

I got a group text right before I left town from someone inviting me to their daughters graduation - I don't know the other numbers it was sent to.... but a couple of the replies were from the leaders at the barn I've been ousted from. 


No WAY would I ever attend a party any of those people would be attending.  I would NEVER put myself in that situation again...  to be actively shunned to my face?  No thanks. I politely declined and wished all the best to the graduate.

When I travel?  I can just go into the world when I'm travelling.  No planning required.  I can look into people's faces and smile and they smile back I can go to dinner with people from class and they act normal, talk to me, converse.  It's refreshing.

I stopped at the gym, Redefining Strength, before I left.  The woman who has been my personal trainer online owns and runs it.  I was able to meet her for the first time... so much fun.  I worked out with a group of people, shot the shit, called shit on people, laughed, joked.  People LIKED me.  Made me remember that I AM a like-able person.  I am funny and I am kind and I am encouraging and I am a really nice person. 

Reminds me of a quote I posted on FB - something about how not believing you are worth relationships/caring/love would be like not believing a light could shine through a broken window... I've been believing the brain bugs lately.   

I worked out - watched the next class - we all went to dinner... sat until we closed the place, talking, joking, laughing... I felt part of the group.  I had people laughing - they had me laughing.

I could so see myself there.  Building relationships! Having friends again!  I know I see all the old fellas at my gym.. and they are wonderful.  Truly they are.  However, I don't hang with them outside the gym and we don't work out together... we don't laugh and have girl talk and say vagina during dinner... something about that camaraderie...

I'm home - horrible period cramps, ugh - it is gray and cloudy and cold... Toe and Puppy Briar were happy to see me.  Kittehs were happy to see me.  Boyfriend is glad I'm home... it should be enough. 

I finished reading Brene Brown.... I read some things online about divorce and needing to close the doors on what your life was so you can open doors into the new.  Stop hiding from the world.  (so it's not just me!)  I'm trying.  Think that dinner and the invite before I left helped me with that - shut those doors.  Need to move onward and outward.  Find new relationships and friends.

Look outward and no longer backward. 

Easier said than done... however... one of these days it will be reality....

Monday, May 2, 2016

The Dinner

Sucked ass.

I got there and immediately wanted to cry and say I can't do this and leave.  I mean where WERE they for the past year and a half? 

And they acted like nothing wrong - only everything they spoke of hit home that I am so not part of that world any more.  They talked about Barb's sister, Sharon, and I thought I will never be invited to another Christmas Eve party.  They talked about Shirl and I thought and the next time I see Shirl will she avoid me at all costs like Pat did?  I only saw those mutual friends at BBQs they hosted - or if I ran into them in town by chance.   I am quite sure I won't be invited to any BBQs... and now when I run into people from when I was married I figure there is a 70/30 chance they will avoid me at all costs or not care and still say hello to me. 

I got thru the dinner.  Certainly won't do that to myself again.  You can't go back.  Anything from that part of my life is GONE.  OVER.  FINI.  And I guess I'm not even sure why they invited me over after that long anyway?  shrug. 

Went to Washington's Bar after - it is a local establishment where I met Boyfriend back in my 20s - and it closed April 30.  Saw people there who knew me in my 20s... before everything.  They don't care.  No one gave a fucking rats ass.  They just saw me.  Was really NICE especially after that heinous dinner. 

Saw my therapist... man.  Will be nice when all this stuff just doesn't hit me so hard all the time.  I did it to myself this time.... but at least I learned that you can't go back.  Ever.  And I won't put myself in that situation ever again. 

Then I got sick - oh man - so freaking sick.  Felt like a mack truck hit me and was laid up for a week.  Probably not a coincidence.  Think your body has ways of making you rest and rejuvenate and curl up into your little foxhole when you truly truly need it. 

Maybe every setback I have will bring me that much closer to being done and over with it all.  One can only hope. 

Met up with one of my close girlfriends in Denver this week - was just great to spend time with someone that sees me with kindness and love and no judgment.  So refreshing and so good for the soul.  Had dinner with Tom and Laurie... and again... just so refreshing. 

I don't have many friends any more but boy - the ones I do have?  I really really need them. 

Also - therapist says I need to tap into my righteous indignation/anger more.  Cuz - yeah I didn't do a fucking thing to anyone.  I didn't talk shit about anyone.  I didn't do anything to them and they made up whatever horrible stories they made up about me knowing only 5-10% of the story - if that.  They are not the people I would want in my life any more anyway...

Feels like all these people I knew and liked who turned on me or dropped me because of the divorce?  ... they were monsters... facades... lies...