Friday, April 14, 2017

The universe sends us messages

Went to the barn last night to ride my mare, Sera.  I have been struggling SO much with trying to figure out what to do.  I don't really want to show anymore.  It's not my thing... it's expensive and shrug...I just don't really CARE. 


I did when I was riding with Rex cuz it was a fun thing - a goal to shoot for and we were all in it together and it was what was expected or what I was supposed to do.  Shrug.  It was fine back in the day.


Now it's just me and yes yes yes... I could go show if I want.  It's just ... I don't really want to.  I'm not hugely competitive and that isn't really how I get my kicks.  And if I'm not going to show... well, do I need to take lessons regularly?  If there is no end goal and no event to train for... what is the point of lessons?  Can I just ride my horse and enjoy her and that is it?  Dunno.  Have felt very lost in this realm for a long time.


I go see her every day and check on her and feed her a supplement ... she is groomed and the farrier comes regularly and the vet when needed for vaccinations or whatever.  She has her buddies in the pasture now.  She is settled in and the green grass is growing and she is looking good with the winter coat shedding out...


Last night - I was getting all my things together to ride and this woman said, "Can I ask you a question?"  And I literally looked all around me - there was no one around - and said, Who?  Me?


She said, "Yes!"  She went on to tell me that she had just been to her first Dressage show and showed at Intro Level.  She told me her scores and they were all well into the 60's (a good score).  So I told her that was AWESOME and gave her a high five.  And then she asked if I rode Dressage... I told her I used to... but hadn't really in 2 yrs due to divorce and life bullshit but was getting back to it.


She told me I rode past her the other day... (and I totally remember that day cuz Sera was up and tense and unhappy to do that direction and I was thinking - gawd Sera, please don't be a shithead and dump me and run off in front of these people).  And she said after I rode past she told her friend ... oh, my, God - I want to ride like that person!  She was telling me about my seat and how it followed my horse and how I had such nice, elastic elbows... and my posture was just so upright and nice... she went on and on.


I was 1. embarrassed and 2. so fucking grateful.  I thanked her and told her she really made my night and thank-you so much for saying something.  It meant a lot to me.


And on my way home... after my ride... and even during my ride... I was thinking to myself. 


Here I have been thinking that I am unworthy to have a horse.  That because I sold my place and no longer live with my horse I am a failure.  All the people at the barn treated me like I was so much less once I was divorced... wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't look at me, people who once thought I knew something, now lecturing me like I was a child and didn't know anything...


And I bought it.  I bought it all.  Thinking I am stupid, a failure, what if anything do I know about horses or riding or anything to do with them, I don't deserve Sera...


And then the Loving What Is post I wrote about ... started at least thinking neutrally... or thought I was.  Until last night.


That lady saying that to me. 


It made me stop and think ... just because I was divorced and just because the people I'd known since I was a teenager... the people who I looked up to and thought of as family... just because they think certain things now, say certain things, act certain ways... it doesn't mean that you don't know anything. 


It doesn't take away from all the years and years and years of lessons, of clinics, of shows, of learning, or riding.  I still know those things. 


It's just now I am standing on my own and not relying so much on others.  Finding my own voice, my own way... and the universe is TELLING me these things.  And I have not been listening. 


I still don't know how to move forward with Sera... however, I still ride her and I still love her and she is still a part of me.  I will figure it out... in the meantime... I can simply enjoy my big red mare. 


I am just a woman with a horse.... with a nice seat and elastic elbows. 


heh - fuck yes!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Loving What Is....

Is the title of a book I'm reading by Byron Katie.  I'm not really FULLY getting it or understanding it.  Think I'm being stubborn about it in my head and trying to clutch on to old ideas/notions. 


However - she said one thing that really resonated with me. 


OK - framework.


She was talking about how we create our own misery/anger/sadness etc. when we fight with reality.  And reality cannot be the past because it's over and reality cannot be the future cuz it's not here yet.  And how we are all tied to our "stories" and so much of these stories we tell ourselves aren't even true.  We can't know without a doubt that they are true.  Yes, they are true in our heads but that is the issue... we make up stories and then fight with reality and it causes us great angst.


One thing she said that was powerful to me was... what if you are just a woman sitting in your chair at work.. and that is it?  There is no past or future or story about you other than what IS.  The reality is  - you are a woman sitting in a chair at work. 


And that thought was actually super cool to me and exciting and freeing.  So I'm continuing on with her work and I don't fully grasp it or understand it and that is ok cuz at least I have that one piece that makes sense to me so far and that is pretty cool.


And I'm using it... sometimes my brain tries to go down a path that causes me yuck.  (fucking evil brain hamsters running on their eternal wheel of fuck-up-ed-ness all up in my head)


And I stop and think.  Nope.  You are a woman driving a car... that is it.  There is nothing else.  No past, no future... just NOW. 


It is the totality of BE HERE NOW.   Workin' on it.


Signed up for a Tough Mudder Half - 5 miles and like 13 obstacles.  My training is now more obstacle focused and with lots of cardio stuff thrown in during or after my strength stuff and it's HARD but I'm getting it.  And I'm like wow - holy shit - this is really gonna go down and I really NEED this prep work for it cuz my workouts are hard and they aren't 5 miles and 13 true hard-core obstacles.


I ordered a rope to practice rope climbs... it was on my doorstep this afternoon. EEEEEP!


It's gonna double as a super fun rope swing for us and my sister's kids and whomever else wants to play on it. 


AND I had a boudoir shoot last week.  Was totally freaked out about it... and no, I don't love my figure so much that I see no flaws - was afraid I would see every flaw I have and HATE my pix.  And it's not something I do generally... show a bunch of skin or exude sexuality cuz well... I'm 46 and have been so very married... and now in a relationship and I just don't flaunt shit or even WANT male attention like I did in my 20's out in the bars.


I don't hate them - I got a sneak peek of 4 pix.  I see the flaws... however, I don't really care.  I liked the pix and looking forward to seeing more.  I just want it documented - now at 46 yrs of age - that I was once in shape and maybe my sisters kids will find the pix one day when I'm old and withered in a nursing home, slumped in a chair, drooling on my chest and they will be surprised and think  "Oh shit!  Aunt Shannon had some balls and she was kind of hot too!"  Grin. 


Happy Wednesday.  I hope you are well and happy and moving forward in this big wide world.  Big love - S



Friday, January 13, 2017

Checking in....

Saw Barb of Barb and Tamara in the locker room the other day in the gym.   SIGH.  I simply looked up and saw a "person" - gave that non-committal polite smile - then realized it was Barb and her face lit up with recognition of me...  her instinct was to say HI to me but I have rebuked all that really. 



Hard to explain. 




They chose Dave and that is fine - I guess I hoped it could have been different and they would not have had to choose one of us....but it's not...



I used to be IN their circle and now they want me removed to a friendly acquaintance - and I am like wtf?  You are my friend or you aren't.  You can't make me this beloved indoor dog and then oh - out you go into the backyard and we will pet you whenever it's convenient....  



So I had this brief flash of just SAD - a really deep sadness.  Sad for all the loss.  For ALL of it. 

However - I acknowledged it - yes.  That IS a sad thing. 



And then thought of the old guys at the gym, the other younger dude Aaron I say hi to... the people in my life now... and I moved onward with my day - I moved FORWARD into my day and into my life and did not stay in the past.  I spent about 30 second of thought on it in the locker room as I prepared for my workout... I certainly did not dwell on it. 




It just IS.



I thought on my way to the car about how I COULD change that if I wanted to - to try and befriend Barb and Tamara again?  But I really don't want to play that game and play seconds all the time.  I know if they have a party Dave will be the one to be invited, not me - unless he's out
of town.  And then what? 




One of the friends they have, Pat, whom I always saw out and about and we would stop to chat... Pat saw me at the gym and avoided eye contact at ALL costs even tho I said surprised - Oh! Hi!  I didn't know you came here!  She never responded and avoided me.  So I go to a party and then I'm like the WEIRD one to avoid or be awkward with?  No thanks.  Had enough of that with the barn clan. 




And who wants to feel that in a friendship?  Always picked last for the game?  Like how they had their housewarming for all the "neighbors" - the second string - the acquaintances.  You KNOW they had one for all their close friends... cuz that second string invite was addressed to me along with the neighbors.  It didn't have ANY of their close friends I always saw at parties and chatted with and knew thru them.....



So meh.
Whatever.




Thinking about it is different than dwelling and sinking into the sad until your skin is so saturated with sad that your fingers are all pruney and wrinkled with it...



 Life is just different and that was a really good and fun chapter but it's over.  And that is sad but there are lots of other chapters to experience and move toward....



AND even before all this happened, I bought like 3-4 Maya Angelou books... I've been wanting to read her.  She had a very hard childhood but came out of it with a real sense of grace and positivity and goodness.... got them all used on Amazon for like $3-4... will be looking forward to reading them!




**and maybe one day I will write about Dave but 1. I think he still reads this blog occasionally and 2. I think his friends do too.  And maybe they just want to try and figure out what happened and that is why they do... or they see if I'm ok without having to ask ... who knows.  I dealt with enough judgment, backlash, nastiness, anger, dislike, avoidance etc etc etc that I don't need or want to be attacked anymore. 


Trust levels still low.  Paranoia levels still above average.  All getting better... but gonna take some time.  Nothing at defcon 10 anymore ... no sirens blaring and red lights flashing at least.  Maybe things are a good yellow....mentally peeking around corners with a hard hat on.  grin.




Some things better left un-said and un-explained anyway. 




Like I said - those chapters are closed - the chapters when we had each other's back no matter what.  That is the past. 




Who knows if we will be in each other's "books" as they continue to write themselves out.... I told my sister a long time ago that Dave and I will never be friends - sad that we couldn't bridge the hurt to still find the friendship.  She told me, "you don't know that.  how can you know that?  you never thought you would be divorced either..."  How right she is... 



 And that is all the profound I have in me today.  ha ha ha! 




Peace to you and whatever you struggle with - I hope you are able to move it to the side faster and faster to continue FORWARD vs. staying stuck in the mire.  Here's to finding defcon 1 again when all lights are green....  




Big love to you and yours and even those that aren't yours anymore... more love is always a good thing.