Thursday, February 4, 2016

Universe throwin' me a bone...

GRIN.


Had the best day yesterday.  Breakfast with one of the fellas from the gym... Don.  I am so in with the 65 and older crowd and I just love them.  They cheer me up every time I see them and we all say good morning and they have no idea how much they brightened my days this past year.


Don was such a gentleman, so smart, such a great conversationalist, great stories... and I feel really happy to start to get to know him.  He and Bob (also from the gym) go fly fishing and he said they would teach me and we can go to Red Feather Lakes this summer to fish for trout in belly boats.  Sounds good to me.


Got to work and we've hired so many new people.  There are two that I just jive with... Vicki and Garrentt... they are married and young - early 30s - and a total kick in the pants.  Garrentt has a squat rack, a barbell and weight plates to sell me... SCORE.


After work, met with a great friend, Kelley, for dinner at 415 - a restaurant I adore in town (goat cheese, beet salad with swordfish skewers and mixed veggies with a side o' spaghetti squash).  After dinner we headed to the local performing arts place to see Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn. 


SO AMAZING.  Bela Fleck if you don't know (and I actually didn't) is a bluegrass banjo guy... not just any bluegrass banjo guy - he's been nominated for something like 15 Grammy Awards and Abigail is his wife - also an incredible banjo musician, has the most gorgeous voice, she speaks fluent Chinese - and sang a bluegrass song in Chinese.. wha? How freaking cool!  And if that weren't enough she began clogging at one point.  She is fabulous and they put a huge grin on your face to see such talent.


A lot of me wants to hole up and just keep to myself given the experiences this past year... but boy... that really isn't me.  I like having friends. 


Was just a really great day from start to finish.  The universe telling me it's all gonna be jussst fine.  (which I KNOW, I do - I totally KNOW this... but it's nice to have a super day to back up that knowledge)





Tuesday, February 2, 2016

It all goes back to your history

I'm working from home and listening to a Nia Shanks podcast with Tony Gentilcore.  They are both fitness industry peeps that know what they are talking about and they do really good things.  They both have blogs and facebook pages that have great stuff...


They are talking about Tony going to therapy and how it helped him.  How there is still stigma associated with it.


I agree with that and I think that EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. on this planet could benefit from therapy.  I just do.  An objective look at your reactions and why you say the shit you say to yourself and why you react the way you do.


A big reason I struggle so much with The Barn People rejecting me and The Neighbors I Thought Were My Best Friends abandoning me... is cuz of my past.  All the shit going down now has hit my major buttons of alarm/distress/panic. 


It's really amazing how that stuff always comes back up.  Forces you to work thru it from all kinds of angles. 


In Nancy Verrier's book, The Primal Wound, she talks about when children are given up for adoption, and the mental ramifications of a mother giving up her child for that child as they grow.  I was not given up for adoption so there are many issues I don't deal with, however, my Mom left my sister and I at a very, very young age for a lot of reasons - none of which I can fault her for and it's a long story.... however, one of the biggest messages I took away from that as a kid is that "you are easy to leave - you don't matter". 


Pair that with growing up in a verbally abusive home with my Dad who was awarded custody... a man who grew up in a household of physical and sexual abuse himself.  And in the 70s therapy was even more stigmatized and he never got help.  He didn't know anything else.  The messages I received often and for years via screaming, pushing, shoving, hitting... were that I was no good and that is putting it lightly... heh.


I'm not telling you this for any sort of pity.  And I'm so not sad right now.  I'm in a good head space.  It is just what I know and omg my life is great and yeah, I had shit to work thru to create the life I wanted and for life be great... we ALL have shit to work thru.  We ALL have a story.  I certainly had it way better than many and shrug, maybe worse than many others.  That isn't the point.  The point is:


A divorce happens where I not only lose the person I was closest to for 17 years... but then what I thought were my support systems....people that had been so close to me for umpteen years......and they drop me like a nasty, oozing, highly contagious venereal disease... then proceed to shit talk me to death?


Hello buttons!  My old friends!  How much fun are you!?  Welcome back - here - lets give you a comfy little cot right over here in my head so you can stay a while!  Let's see juuuuust how much you can fester!  Wheeee!


I have had enough therapy in my life to recognize these are triggers.  And I know enough to check in with a therapist when I need to... she's given me good tools to combat that shit.  And I use this blog to get the stuff in my head out...it's cathartic.


However, listening to the podcast today - and those two talking about therapy and ... I wanted to just.... I don't know - therapy is amazing. 


When you are struggling you should go because it will help you immensely.  No one has to know... just go. 


When you break you leg, you go to a doctor. 


When your heart is broken and your mind is telling you a bunch of bullshit about yourself... go see a therapist. 


They will give you ways to mend your heart, let you know how you react in situations is so completely normal and they help you machete thru all the bullshit to find your new path.







Monday, February 1, 2016

Bees and Laughing

Hit up a beekeeping workshop this weekend.  It was so cool!  Held at the Butterfly Pavillion in Denver.  There are 4 more and they cover everything you need to know for beekeeping... hive set up, honey extraction, winterizing the hive...


Once it was over we called a honey place in Ft. Collins and bought a nuc of bees that will be ready for pick up the last week in April.  Nuc is like the nucleus of a hive... it's got bees already forming honeycomb, with an established queen and workers... they are Italian bees cuz those are most docile and easiest for beginners to deal with. 


Now we figure out how we want the hive and where we want it.  And now I am wondering how one picks up bees in their car?  Sure, I shove goats into my car with no hesitation, but goats don't sting.  heh.


Also ran to Country House to clean goat pens and visit my horse... remember the crazy neighbor I've talked about here?  She has been so freaking amazing thru all this turmoil.  She saw me and came over to talk while I was doing all the other stuff... she makes me laugh and everything is put into perspective.  She gets me out of my head.


I hate how much all that shit and negativity gets into my head.  I can't wait until I'm on the other side and none of that nasty stuff bugs me any more.  It bugs me less and less... but man, sometimes it roils around inside my brain - hello PMS.  And you figure that is normal - given those people were a large part of my life for 15+ years. 







Saturday, January 30, 2016

Change

grin.  More views with the drama than when life was pre-divorce.

More thoughts.   

I know there are folks who think I am so different, lost my mind, have dropped everything for a boy.  Heh.  None of that is my truth.  At all.

When I discovered my horse outlet was gone...and went to the "dreaded pool party" where I truly experienced the full on WE DONT LIKE YOU ANYMORE.  YOU ARE NOT WELCOME AND NO LONGER ONE OF US.  Shrug.  What does a person do?  I'm not groveling to anyone because I have not done anything that caused harm to them.  If they choose to make my situation and take my relationship with Dave and how that has changed and make it personal?   I can't be responsible for that.  I am responsible for me.  I am responsible for my life, my interactions with Dave, my decisions about my house, property, animals...and no one else's.  

And I would counter that people act differently in response to actions.

You have a dog...you are happy to see that dog, smiles, kind words, happiness.  That dog returns the affection.  One day you decide you don't like the dog.  You have a hard face, angry eyes, stiff aggressive body language, loud, angry words.  The dog responds in kind....he avoids you.  He is worried and fretful when you walk in the room.  is the dog really that different or is the dog responding to actions against him?

Why would I want people like that in my life?  And how does all that hateful behavior ever invite reconciliation, understanding, trust?   My trust in them is forever gone.  I would never feel comfortable sharing any facet of my life with any of them other than a hello, how are you, nice weather we're having.  Grin.  Not that any of them would say even that much to me.  

And after 15 years of your life being one way...and now it is ... Wow, 180 degrees different?  Well, I think you will struggle to find where you fit and how to move forward.  Things are so different on so many levels.  I think that is normal.  

I had been told for years and years that Dressage was hard and expensive and if you weren't having fun, why do it?  Um.  Yeah.  I'm not having fun any more.  And I am not willing to put myself on the firing line to continue with it.  Most of the awesomeness about it was being part of that group.  Belonging.  The "we are all in it together"... Which was true until my divorce.  I'm not part of that any more.   

And I AM struggling to find a new way to enjoy my mare....but there are lots of things to learn and discover....lots of horse sports.  And I'm fine with that.  I think when you life as you knew it is blown to bits?  You see there are many options.  You HAVE to find other options in response to changes.  So yeah....I'm struggling but I will find a way.  




Friday, January 29, 2016

And the merry go round keeps going round and round....

Life is good. 


I have a really great job.  My co-workers are great.  I love living in Colorado.... I'm starting my dog on bird dog hunting and am completely geeked over that.  Have always wanted a bird dog and to go hunting...


My gym workouts are going well - hit a personal best of 52.5 Turkish Get Up today.  And I have been befriended by a few older men at my gym.  I'm so in with the 65 and older crowd.  They absolutely make my day every time I see them when I go to the gym.  They are fit, strong and they are an inspiration.  I am so thankful for them, I got them all small gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop at Christmas.  They made a really difficult year not as difficult.


I have great, supportive friends in my life.  I had lunch with a friend yesterday.  I have plans with another friend Wednesday.  And more plans for a girls day with more friends later in Feb.  My weekends are busy with fun things. 


I have a boyfriend and we are having a lot of fun together.  My first Christmas with his family this year and they made me feel so incredibly welcome and included.  It was so touching after having been rejected by many that for days afterward it brought me to tears.  And Christmas with my family was really nice as well... my little niece asking if I could come every Christmas Eve to decorate cookies and could we make it a tradition?  Tugged at my heart strings.


Life is good. 


And while it's good, there are still dark spots.  Running into someone you haven't seen in forever and when you used to run into them there were smiles and friendly hellos and chatting about stuff in general... and now?  They look at you and scurry by as fast as they can without saying a word.   Cuz now I am THAT person.  The one to avoid.  I'm on the "bad people" list.


Or going to lunch with a friend and they tell you that they mentioned your name to someone that you've known since you were 18 and was such a big part of your life... and that person is quick to shred you to pieces, running your name through the mud.  Trashing you thoroughly and completely. 


It's unsettling.  It's shocking.  It's disturbing that people can have that much dislike, anger and nastiness directed at you.  And it makes you so incredibly paranoid.  Oh my God, so paranoid. 


If anyone has stood on their own in the midst of a group attacking... you will know what I mean.  You begin to question everything. 




I remember pre-divorce friends (no longer friends post-divorce) several years ago talking about a couple they knew who broke up.  And maybe a year after the break-up, the one everyone had decided was the "bad one" killed herself. 


Being the "bad one" now .. I can understand that.  This previously mentioned woman had some mental issues that worked against her.  However, when your entire life is turned upsidedown from the loss of a long term relationship, and the friends, support systems, and extra curricular activities you once did are gone and those people now hate you?


Yeah.  I can see how someone would think their world and their life was completely meaningless and worthless and it would be easier to end it. 


Fortunately, I have a lot of friends that didn't pass judgement on my decisions or choices; they still enjoy my company and value my friendship.  I have other areas I can turn to in my life for extra curricular things and for hobbies... I can view this as an opportunity to really discover what I want to do and how I want to live my life.  I have so much to live for. 


I could choose to see it all as an ending, however, I'm trying hard to see it as a beginning, ignore the nastiness - choose gratitude and love -  and see that I can choose to live any way I want to.  The world can be my oyster...


It's not easy some days.  Hard to get out of your head and ignore the paranoia and stop the bad tape loops that run thru your mind when confronted with so much hatred...telling you "You are worthless".  "You are meaningless".  "You are bad".


I am choosing love and gratitude and trying to find the light in the dark.  There IS light.  There is much to be thankful for.


Life is good. 







Wednesday, July 29, 2015

When you're alone, you are nothing but alone....

Bruce Springsteen song that came on my iPod play list this AM at the gym....  and yup.  That is the truth.

I'm so sad today.  Part of it is pms hormones cuz I was ok yesterday and nothing changed between then and now.  And then wham.  fucking hormones hit. 

I've lost many of my old friends because I've left Dave.  They don't actually ask me how I am - they speculate and gossip and get mad and say nasty things...who knows what.  When I've confronted them, they say they speculate and gossip because they are worried about me.  But then they don't actually ask me anything like how are you?  And no one stops by anymore and no one calls or emails anymore and no one invites me anywhere.

All the ones that were supportive at first?  I guess they got over the "shock" and NOW they have decided to hate me.  heh.  Who knew? 

So for those who WANT me to hurt out of some sort of feelings of injustice or loyalty to Dave.  Oh, trust me.  I am. 

I actually was invited to a neighbor's pool party a week or so ago and the aforementioned "friends" would not talk to me or look at me.  If I tried to interject into a conversation I was ignored and looked through.  It was the most uncomfortable and hurtful place I've been in a long time.

Dave isn't even that mad or mean to me.  And if anyone is to be mad or mean, it would be HIM.  But he and I are level with each other.  Both sad for the loss and struggling with the change but we still are nice to each other and care about each other.  I wish nothing but the good and the best and the fastest healing for him. 

So yeah.  This seperating and divorce thing sucks ass.  Not only for the struggle between the two married people - and the struggle is THEIRS to know and deal with and you simply can't make anyone see or understand it... it's between those two people.  It's their history and marriage.... but damn for all the ripples created once it's happened. 

Fuck.  It's hard enough.

I talked with my sister about how once you go thru something so life changing and hard like this it really opens your eyes to judgement and empathy and how if only you'd known what it was like you would have been more kind to so and so or you would have called them more often or checked in with them more... if only you had known. 

Experiences like this sure change one's perspective in being more available for others who might be struggling.  Those friends of mine who have stuck with me - not changed their behavior towards me?  Oh how I value them.  Oh how I love them and I am so incredibly grateful for them....

They know who they are. 

Peace to anyone struggling... I hope you find peace and love and empathy.

Cheers -

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Scared

A friend in college once told me:  "It's a wiggly world"

Yes. 

Yes it is.

Since the last time I blogged - I told my husband of 15 yrs and whom I dated 2 yrs before we got married... so 17 years... I told him I didn't want to be married any more.

Didn't think it would happen to me.  I thought my life would be over if Dave and I were no longer married.  I really and truly did not think this could happen.

My life is not over.

However it's weird.  And change that big is scary.  And I wish I had my Mom through all of this but I don't.  I really, really, really wish for that. 

I think I am fine.  Everyone I talk to says I am processing things so well and I'm so healthy.  And I think that yes, that is pretty accurate.  I'm not completely losing my shit.  Yes, there is sadness and of course mourning. 

I think a lot of times I don't "get" to feel sad or mournful since I'm the one that asked for this.  I kinda feel like I can't be sad and my voice should not be heard.  I kinda feel like I should quietly disappear actually.

Tho' lately - I think now that the dust has settled and reality of what has happened is now in front of me - I've been feeling really weird.  A bad feeling.  So uncomfortable.  I thought about it - sat with it - tried to define it.  It isn't just the sad and honestly many days I'm not sad - I am really ok.  It's something else.

I've decided I think it's because I'm scared. 

I'm not sure why I'm scared?  My house is the same and is now in my name.  My job is the same and is in no danger.  My friends are the same and everyone has been so incredibly supportive when for some reason I thought everyone would hate me.  No one does.  Dave and I remain friendly and think we will be friends when all this is said and done.  I don't have children to worry about.  I'm not really afraid to be on my own... or I don't think I am.  I've always been pretty independent.

And yet I'm still scared.  And it's a really icky feeling and I wish it would go away.  It's unsettling.  Like the other shoe is gonna drop... I'm gonna wake up to zombie plague... something... something is going to happen...

Only it already did. 

This is my new normal and I can make it whatever I want to make it.  That isn't a bad thing.  It's just different.   I suppose time will tell.  Time heals all...