Friday, June 17, 2016

Coming back....

OK - so that dinner with former friends / neighbors... dude.  That fucking shook me and left me in a really dark place.  Really dark.  Really really really fucking dark. 

Like I am The Destroyer of Men... that song by Henry Rollins.. Four Sticks... "you take a man and you crush him, you take his spine and you snap it...that's what you do... that's what you do" 

yeah.  That is me.  Destroyer of lives.

I destroyed my Dad when I put him into a nursing home - took away everything he had ... I destroyed Dave when I left - took away "our happy little life"...I was the cause of my Mothers physical abuse because she told me when Dad came home and if something was wrong with me as a baby - a scrape, a scratch, she was beaten for it ... I wasn't enough to take care of my sister thru all the domestic violence and foster homes when we were little - I couldn't protect her.  (uh hello, I was like 3 or 4 --- who COULD take care of anyone at that age???)  And I know... I know...  I will destroy Boyfriend at some point in time... and every happy statement he makes about us together... I cringe... because I am THE DESTROYER and I think ... just wait Boyfriend... just wait... I will ruin your life too...

I don't want to be in that place any more.  It isn't the truth.  It is dark and dank and putrid and evil.  That is not me.  I am NOT a destroyer.  Never my intent or want.  Never want to hurt anyone.  I am kind.  I am a really nice person. 

Visit with my therapist...

And started reading things.  Jade Teta has been hitting the nail on the head lately.  He had some posts about our "super powers" as humans on this planet.  Google him if you are interested.

Anyway - he said while going through a rough time, he wrote a core statement about himself.  At first the sad/overwhelmed depressed me thought I can't do that... I don't have anything to write. 

And then the survivor in me stood up from somewhere in the back row balcony of the house packed full of sad and horrible and called bullshit on that.  Of course you do - you can write something.  So I penned one out.  It did help.. helped me to see ME from what I know to be true of myself vs. from other perspectives or from all the wierdos out there that have some issue with me now post-Dave and the strange made-up stories they tell themselves about me.

And Mr. Teta talked about how you re-write your story.  FUCK YES.  My story does not have to be wallowing in sadness.  I do not have to accept the less than treatment of people due to circumstances that in no way affected how they live their lives or carry on in this world.  I don't need to be the destroyer in my story.   I can re-write.

He talks about our perception being a choice.  Yes.  As hard as that is to accept.  Yes.  I am choosing to let the shit overflow in my head.  It's time to make another choice. 

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love which just beginning is spot on as well.  She talks about 2 yrs of depression/sadness from the divorce and still while that is happening good things happen too... and how the person she was married to... they knew each other better than anyone else on the planet and once the split happened, they became instant strangers.  Truth.  And it is so weird.  It's like I've just disappeared - become invisible and like I've never existed.  I've been erased.  Last 17 yrs just gone.  Like it never happened.  poof. 

And I've seen the movie so I know it ends well... or maybe that was Under the Tuscan Sun... anyway.  Whatever.  It ends well and her words are spot on so far. 

So nice to have some validation - even if it is in a book that was made into a movie... cuz man... I sometimes feel like a complete island.  I touch no one and no one touches me... I am a rock... I am an island...  I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain, it's laughter and it's loving I disdain... I am a rock... I am an island.... Paul Simon

I don't wanna be the rock... I don't wanna be the island.  I am a happy person, I LIKE people, I like making people feel good - I am an encourager in this world.  And I think in general the world needs more encouragement cuz it's way way way too easy to hear all the negative bullshit and that is exactly what it is - BULLSHIT and apply it to yourself. 

Soooo.  Based on my therapist visit I am trying to meditate 10 min a day.  I am mostly using that to self talk in nice ways to myself. 

I have this sign up in my cubicle at work "The Words You Speak Become The House You Live In".  I have been speaking horribly to myself... horrible things and thoughts.  Turning that around.  Tearing down the dark, dank, shitty house I've been living in. 

Building a new house.  A lighter house.  A happier house to live in. 

While I'm not sure I believe in God - I am spiritual and so I am saying things like: "you are worthy.  you are worth loving.  you deserve to be here.  you are here for a reason.  you are a survivor.  you are a champion.  you are so worth love. you are here for a reason.  the divine created you for something.  you ARE worthy." 

I am trying to find gratitude - thankful for the things I am blessed with and given the grace to experience/feel/see/hear/touch/taste... thank-you for the beautiful blue sky... the sunset... being able to see the moon at 7pm at night in the sky... for my happy little stump tailed dog....talenti gelato and sorbet on sale in chocolate and chocolate chip coffee...  

I am reading and re-reading the Jade Teta blog posts... re-writing my story.  Defining myself using only myself for input and not the negative of others.  Defining what is important to me.  Looking for where I want to go...

Yes - of course sadness is still around... like a wolf with steely eyes just waiting for me to falter so he can spring up and pull me back down... yes, it is still there I can feel him watching me... waiting...

However, right now I am Shannon Fucking Schierling.  I am happy, I love laughing, I like to play and be excited about little things and smile -

In college a roommate brought home a guy... in the AM when he came out of her room, he saw me and his face lit up, "you are that girl who smiles ALL the time!  I see you out and you are ALWAYS smiling!"  Yeah.  THAT is the me I know...

I love encouraging others and helping them to see they are GOOD and WORTHY... none of us are as bad as we think we are.  (ahem - including ME dammit!)

My old life is gone.  Door closed. 

My new life and story is being written...

I want it to be a happy story... one that makes people laugh and smile and feel good.  Most of all I want to be happy, laugh and smile again.  I'm don't want the darkness anymore... unless it's the night sky with a moon and stars.  That kind of dark I can handle.... 

I will find new friends.  I will forge a new path.  I have survived and will continue to survive.  I am a survivor. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

A victory...

Celebrate your successes.  No matter how small.  They are still successes!

Went to the gym extra early the other day to get my ass to work early.  I went to wash my hands and the woman who used to say hello to me at the gym pre-divorce - the sister of a Barn Person - was washing her hands in the sink next to me.


I walked up anyway - thinking grumpily how it was so early and now I had to deal with THIS first thing?  Show my tough face, wear my armor when I just wanted to go work out.  I stared ahead, minding my bid'ness.  Steeling myself.  Mantras in place. 

She stopped mid-wash - staring directly at me in the mirror and said in a very indignant and sarcastic tone;  Uh... GOOD MORNING.

Sigh.  What the fuck do you people want from me?  Why can't they just leave me the hell alone. 

I looked at her.  I said good morning.  I dried my hands and I left to roller and activate and work out.

When I left the bathroom - the hamster started running on that wheel. 

Have I mistaken her dislike for me for the past year and a half?  Did I imagine her walking right past me and staring right through me when she used to say good morning to me? 


And even if I did? 

This person is not my friend. 

I do not owe this person anything.  Not any thing. 

I never did things with this person on my personal time.  I know through personal experience what her sister thinks of me - that was made crystal clear.  I have heard through at least 2 people what this woman's mom thinks of me - and I DID have very personal relationships with her sister and mom - for years and years and years.  Over 20 years they were my second home/my second family. 

And what?  I'm to think this woman standing next to me looking so indignant was my champion, my lone supporter in her family's opinion of me?  pfft.   Riiiiigggghhhhhhtttt.  She hasn't talked to me for ages. 

Let her be as offended as she wants to be that I didn't acknowledge her existence.  She said good morning in the snottiest way possible - I said good morning back to her.  shrug. 

Let her go forth and tell her family how different I am and what a bitch I am. 

Don't care.  Don't.  Fucking.  Care.

And then my hamster stopped running cuz my thoughts made sense to me, I felt grounded and strong and remembered all the people in CA that LIKED me and enjoyed my company - I smiled to myself remembering them - seeing their smiling faces -  and I did my workout and focused on my movement, my ability, my weights and hello endorphins. 

It didn't crush me to see this woman who at one point meant something - an attachment with a family that is no longer mine.  It didn't make me feel sick to my stomach, didn't make me have any sort of panic attack, didn't make me shaky, didn't make me overly angry.... I simply went about my day. 

So yeah.  Victory. 

Monday, May 16, 2016

A Break...

I really like leaving Ft. Collins these days... I know I won't run into anyone that knew me when I was married.  No averted eyes, no avoiding at all costs, no hearing about the nasty things people say...

It's a nice mental break in not prepping myself for the worst all the time. "Stare at the ground when you are at Country House... don't look to see who is driving past... stare straight ahead when you go into the women's locker room at the gym..."  Planning my game face and my "ok - if you see X, just smile politely and say good morning - don't let it get to you, you are ok." 

I got a group text right before I left town from someone inviting me to their daughters graduation - I don't know the other numbers it was sent to.... but a couple of the replies were from the leaders at the barn I've been ousted from. 


No WAY would I ever attend a party any of those people would be attending.  I would NEVER put myself in that situation again...  to be actively shunned to my face?  No thanks. I politely declined and wished all the best to the graduate.

When I travel?  I can just go into the world when I'm travelling.  No planning required.  I can look into people's faces and smile and they smile back I can go to dinner with people from class and they act normal, talk to me, converse.  It's refreshing.

I stopped at the gym, Redefining Strength, before I left.  The woman who has been my personal trainer online owns and runs it.  I was able to meet her for the first time... so much fun.  I worked out with a group of people, shot the shit, called shit on people, laughed, joked.  People LIKED me.  Made me remember that I AM a like-able person.  I am funny and I am kind and I am encouraging and I am a really nice person. 

Reminds me of a quote I posted on FB - something about how not believing you are worth relationships/caring/love would be like not believing a light could shine through a broken window... I've been believing the brain bugs lately.   

I worked out - watched the next class - we all went to dinner... sat until we closed the place, talking, joking, laughing... I felt part of the group.  I had people laughing - they had me laughing.

I could so see myself there.  Building relationships! Having friends again!  I know I see all the old fellas at my gym.. and they are wonderful.  Truly they are.  However, I don't hang with them outside the gym and we don't work out together... we don't laugh and have girl talk and say vagina during dinner... something about that camaraderie...

I'm home - horrible period cramps, ugh - it is gray and cloudy and cold... Toe and Puppy Briar were happy to see me.  Kittehs were happy to see me.  Boyfriend is glad I'm home... it should be enough. 

I finished reading Brene Brown.... I read some things online about divorce and needing to close the doors on what your life was so you can open doors into the new.  Stop hiding from the world.  (so it's not just me!)  I'm trying.  Think that dinner and the invite before I left helped me with that - shut those doors.  Need to move onward and outward.  Find new relationships and friends.

Look outward and no longer backward. 

Easier said than done... however... one of these days it will be reality....

Monday, May 2, 2016

The Dinner

Sucked ass.

I got there and immediately wanted to cry and say I can't do this and leave.  I mean where WERE they for the past year and a half? 

And they acted like nothing wrong - only everything they spoke of hit home that I am so not part of that world any more.  They talked about Barb's sister, Sharon, and I thought I will never be invited to another Christmas Eve party.  They talked about Shirl and I thought and the next time I see Shirl will she avoid me at all costs like Pat did?  I only saw those mutual friends at BBQs they hosted - or if I ran into them in town by chance.   I am quite sure I won't be invited to any BBQs... and now when I run into people from when I was married I figure there is a 70/30 chance they will avoid me at all costs or not care and still say hello to me. 

I got thru the dinner.  Certainly won't do that to myself again.  You can't go back.  Anything from that part of my life is GONE.  OVER.  FINI.  And I guess I'm not even sure why they invited me over after that long anyway?  shrug. 

Went to Washington's Bar after - it is a local establishment where I met Boyfriend back in my 20s - and it closed April 30.  Saw people there who knew me in my 20s... before everything.  They don't care.  No one gave a fucking rats ass.  They just saw me.  Was really NICE especially after that heinous dinner. 

Saw my therapist... man.  Will be nice when all this stuff just doesn't hit me so hard all the time.  I did it to myself this time.... but at least I learned that you can't go back.  Ever.  And I won't put myself in that situation ever again. 

Then I got sick - oh man - so freaking sick.  Felt like a mack truck hit me and was laid up for a week.  Probably not a coincidence.  Think your body has ways of making you rest and rejuvenate and curl up into your little foxhole when you truly truly need it. 

Maybe every setback I have will bring me that much closer to being done and over with it all.  One can only hope. 

Met up with one of my close girlfriends in Denver this week - was just great to spend time with someone that sees me with kindness and love and no judgment.  So refreshing and so good for the soul.  Had dinner with Tom and Laurie... and again... just so refreshing. 

I don't have many friends any more but boy - the ones I do have?  I really really need them. 

Also - therapist says I need to tap into my righteous indignation/anger more.  Cuz - yeah I didn't do a fucking thing to anyone.  I didn't talk shit about anyone.  I didn't do anything to them and they made up whatever horrible stories they made up about me knowing only 5-10% of the story - if that.  They are not the people I would want in my life any more anyway...

Feels like all these people I knew and liked who turned on me or dropped me because of the divorce?  ... they were monsters... facades... lies...

Friday, April 22, 2016

Eye Opening...

I've been riding - no goals - but that is ok.  My butt is in the saddle... I am enjoying my horse.  And do I NEED goals for riding?  shrug.  I dunno.  I didn't when I was a kid and just liked riding... so that is where I'm at. 

Re-reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly.  EYE FREAKING OPENING.  I read it 8 yrs ago when my sister was preggers.  I wasn't expecting it to resonate so much and it was kind of jaw dropping... for a lot of reasons.  It described what happened between Dave and I to a T and I was like wtf?  Seriously?  I'm reading this in a book???  It's not just me?  Always felt it was me, something wrong with me....  Disengagement and sliding door moments... to a freaking T. 

Was invited to dinner from neighbors I once considered very dear and close.  Once Dave and I split, they dropped me like a hot potato.  Didn't return my calls for months... I left my last message telling them I understood and wouldn't call them any more.  Now 1.5 yrs later....


I fought with that a while - do I go? 

I don't think they actively disliked me or trashed me like the barn folk did and still do.  I think they felt they needed to circle wagons around Dave and I was not to be included for whatever reason. 

So ... I decided to put my big girl pants on, set aside ego and go. 

I'm not looking forward to it.  It will be awkward and I don't trust them enough to ever be close to them again.  A year and a half and NOW they miss me???  I am trying to set my intentions - like in yoga - to choose kindness and choose grace over sarcasm and bitterness.  And I trust it will peter out since I won't be initiating anything with them any more... if they got used to not having me around, I'm sure it will be just as easy to let me drop off the map again. 

I won't be super happy or relaxed and all smiles like in the past when there was that comfort level of good friends and when trust was abundant.  So they will think I've changed.  And so I have.  And so have they. 

Why am I going?  To prove that I can.  Because I will probably need to interact with them at some point over the irrigation in the neighborhood and setting negativity aside will make those interactions better - easier.

Saw one of the barn people - the woman I once wished was my mom - at a local restaurant in a window this past weekend.  OH - I so wanted to walk up to the window, pound on it and be all happy smiles and cheerful waves....

Smart assery and sarcasm .... I didn't follow through... tho in my mind I was imagining it and laughing... sure would have given that table something to discuss a while.  grin. 

Good news is I didn't care.  I saw her - acknowledged she used to be of great importance at one point and for a long time - and now?  A person I would rather not spend any energy, time or effort on.  No feelings of sadness or bitterness. 

Moving onward. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2016


So tired today.  Played too hard this weekend...

I went cross country skiing for about 2 hrs Saturday morning.  I haven't been since I was 16 or 17 and lived in Brook Forest up in BFE Evergreen, CO with my Mom and Stepdad.  We used to ski behind our house in the National Forest. 

It was scary to have skis on my feet again!  Know my muscles were super tense and I was working way too hard... started to get the feel and relax and had fun.  A lot of work tho... my clothes were soaked with sweat after. 

And Sunday went downhill skiing... have not done that since I was maybe 26?  20 years.  Again... scared to have skis on my feet... a different kind of ski... used the very wee baby hill a few times to get used to things.  Man... I wasn't even sure how to turn on those things my first run... and then the 2nd run my body just remembered.  How cool is that?  How your body holds on to things like that... went down a couple more times and then went up the lift.  Stayed on the green runs... felt overwhelmed a couple times and tired muscles but overall very very fun. 

Also learning telemark skiing.  Was 'kindof' getting it... and had to stop to go hike up this hill a few miles to get to a yurt where they served lunch.  WAY COOL. 

But man... I am TIRED today.  And was tired yesterday...

Thank goodness this week is de-load week for gym workouts.... need the extra stretching, activation and slow/quiet movement.

Sort of looking forward to daylight savings this weekend.  NOT looking forward to getting up earlier with the time change... however, looking forward to more light at the end of my day.  Really hoping to get in more horse time... devote a day or two in the week to Sera just like I would any other class or obligation.  Trying to get my motivation back...find something that clicks... make some other horse friends... messing around with a Western saddle and riding... maybe fiddle around with a rope... the next Annie Oakley most certainly not... but maybe tow some things behind and invite my nieces and nephews up next winter for some horse pulled sledding... I don't know. 

Floundering in this realm right now.

Friday, February 12, 2016


My new co-workers make me laugh. 

And they appreciate, encourage and participate in the inappropriate gutter humor I can't seem to get enough of. 

I love that about them.