Friday, April 22, 2016

Eye Opening...

I've been riding - no goals - but that is ok.  My butt is in the saddle... I am enjoying my horse.  And do I NEED goals for riding?  shrug.  I dunno.  I didn't when I was a kid and just liked riding... so that is where I'm at. 


Re-reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly.  EYE FREAKING OPENING.  I read it 8 yrs ago when my sister was preggers.  I wasn't expecting it to resonate so much and it was kind of jaw dropping... for a lot of reasons.  It described what happened between Dave and I to a T and I was like wtf?  Seriously?  I'm reading this in a book???  It's not just me?  Always felt it was me, something wrong with me....  Disengagement and sliding door moments... to a freaking T. 


Was invited to dinner from neighbors I once considered very dear and close.  Once Dave and I split, they dropped me like a hot potato.  Didn't return my calls for months... I left my last message telling them I understood and wouldn't call them any more.  Now 1.5 yrs later....


Sigh. 


I fought with that a while - do I go? 


I don't think they actively disliked me or trashed me like the barn folk did and still do.  I think they felt they needed to circle wagons around Dave and I was not to be included for whatever reason. 


So ... I decided to put my big girl pants on, set aside ego and go. 


I'm not looking forward to it.  It will be awkward and I don't trust them enough to ever be close to them again.  A year and a half and NOW they miss me???  I am trying to set my intentions - like in yoga - to choose kindness and choose grace over sarcasm and bitterness.  And I trust it will peter out since I won't be initiating anything with them any more... if they got used to not having me around, I'm sure it will be just as easy to let me drop off the map again. 


I won't be super happy or relaxed and all smiles like in the past when there was that comfort level of good friends and when trust was abundant.  So they will think I've changed.  And so I have.  And so have they. 


Why am I going?  To prove that I can.  Because I will probably need to interact with them at some point over the irrigation in the neighborhood and setting negativity aside will make those interactions better - easier.


Saw one of the barn people - the woman I once wished was my mom - at a local restaurant in a window this past weekend.  OH - I so wanted to walk up to the window, pound on it and be all happy smiles and cheerful waves....


Smart assery and sarcasm .... I didn't follow through... tho in my mind I was imagining it and laughing... sure would have given that table something to discuss a while.  grin. 


Good news is I didn't care.  I saw her - acknowledged she used to be of great importance at one point and for a long time - and now?  A person I would rather not spend any energy, time or effort on.  No feelings of sadness or bitterness. 


Moving onward. 



Tuesday, March 8, 2016

YAWN

So tired today.  Played too hard this weekend...


I went cross country skiing for about 2 hrs Saturday morning.  I haven't been since I was 16 or 17 and lived in Brook Forest up in BFE Evergreen, CO with my Mom and Stepdad.  We used to ski behind our house in the National Forest. 


It was scary to have skis on my feet again!  Know my muscles were super tense and I was working way too hard... started to get the feel and relax and had fun.  A lot of work tho... my clothes were soaked with sweat after. 


And Sunday went downhill skiing... have not done that since I was maybe 26?  20 years.  Again... scared to have skis on my feet... a different kind of ski... used the very wee baby hill a few times to get used to things.  Man... I wasn't even sure how to turn on those things my first run... and then the 2nd run my body just remembered.  How cool is that?  How your body holds on to things like that... went down a couple more times and then went up the lift.  Stayed on the green runs... felt overwhelmed a couple times and tired muscles but overall very very fun. 


Also learning telemark skiing.  Was 'kindof' getting it... and had to stop to go hike up this hill a few miles to get to a yurt where they served lunch.  WAY COOL. 


But man... I am TIRED today.  And was tired yesterday...


Thank goodness this week is de-load week for gym workouts.... need the extra stretching, activation and slow/quiet movement.


Sort of looking forward to daylight savings this weekend.  NOT looking forward to getting up earlier with the time change... however, looking forward to more light at the end of my day.  Really hoping to get in more horse time... devote a day or two in the week to Sera just like I would any other class or obligation.  Trying to get my motivation back...find something that clicks... make some other horse friends... messing around with a Western saddle and riding... maybe fiddle around with a rope... the next Annie Oakley most certainly not... but maybe tow some things behind and invite my nieces and nephews up next winter for some horse pulled sledding... I don't know. 


Floundering in this realm right now.







Friday, February 12, 2016

Co-Workers

My new co-workers make me laugh. 


And they appreciate, encourage and participate in the inappropriate gutter humor I can't seem to get enough of. 


I love that about them.



Thursday, February 11, 2016

Health Insurance

Got a call from my HR department about health insurance and how I have self + family and I could save $$ if I went with self + 1.  Well - I started poking around to fill out the form to change it.  Dave and I agreed that he'd stay on my insurance for a bit because the ins at his job is way more spendy but I found out that is a huge NO NO and can be construed as health insurance fraud.


Well shit.


Felt sick about it.  Called my insurance to make sure.  Yes.  They will backdate all my health insurance to the date the divorce was made final and I don't remember if I will be charged or Dave would be charged with the part insurance covered for any Dr visits he made between then and now.  And you know that shit isn't cheap. 


Of course I let him know immediately.  Then I had to get out of the office... go for a walk.  Was on the verge of tears - and I'm not really sure why?  Always think things are done and something comes back up that makes it hard.  Already bad enough I left and now I'm taking another thing away that was helpful.... granted, not of my will, but still... another thing I've done to him.


And sometimes when these things hit me?  I wonder if I'm having a panic attack cuz I literally cannot breathe...so hard to get air in...  I left the office and took deep gulps of air outside... MAKING myself breathe.  In thru the nose, out thru the mouth... you can breathe.  You've been doing it since you were a baby... just fucking BREATHE.


And I walked... and being outdoors, smelling the melty snow and wet earth... listening to the birds... hearing the nails of a jogger's dog behind me... train whistle... moving my body... focused on breathing...


It helped clear my mind and calm me down.  Nothing is different than it was yesterday other than $$.  It will be fine.  Let it go. 


Good things to look forward to?  Denver dog show this Saturday... possibly stopping to watch an Olympic Weightlifting Meet somewhere in Denver... taxes on Sunday - OK - not looking forward to THAT, but will be nice to have it over with.  And the weather is in the 50s and supposed to stay that way... and that is nice...feeling the sun on your face after a long winter?  Nothing can compare. 













Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Family

Was thinking about how different the Barn People are from my Mom....


In my 20's I sorta wanted THEM to be my family.  Wished their mom was my mom and how I worked so hard to be accepted into their family all thru my 20s.  Only once I got older... I noticed some things.  It worked for them and I shrugged it off because we all have strange family quirks.


I began thinking about that though and decided I was much happier with MY mom being MY mom.  No longer wished for someone else in that capacity. 


And it makes me think about my mom - she is not very "there" because she is struggling with some dementia issues at her very young age - mid 60s.  And oh you have no idea how much I have missed her through all this stuff.  When it has counted, she sort of shines thru and says something that I know she would have said were her thoughts clear and it gives me a lot of comfort.


I think about how gracious my mom was and how much she'd been thru with our family history... so long ago and how incredibly hard that had to have been...and how she turned that into being SO involved in running womens shelters and safe-houses.  She was so involved with domestic violence... turning all that darkness in her life into help for others....

I remember her telling me about a co-worker who was seeing a person that was in a program she ran for so long.  It was for young first time offenders...these kids had to come in and see her employees... and one of her employees saw this girl who was young, had a kid... something about how her car was broken down and my Mom's employee gave this girl a lecture about saving $$ and it was her fault,  being condescending... and my mom went out after and paid for a tow truck and helped her secure a ride home and said sometimes people needed understanding rather than lecturing and life was hard enough...

There are other things like that I remember about her... she is gone now mostly...and it is so different than the people in my life who turned on me... those people were often running people down and so much more angry... and yes, I know they have been through struggles too - we ALL have... and I know that was hard..... it's just very interesting how people decide to be. 


We all get to choose how we want to be - WHO we want to be... really really going to work on not being small and petty... I don't think I am in general.  Though I know we are human and it's our nature...but I don't ever need to be hurtful to people.  It's easy to join in and "bond" or feel included over the gossip of someone else... it's not right tho' and it doesn't feel good when it's you they are gossiping about and they will eventually.  It's harmful and when it's all over, it doesn't ever present you in a very good light and has never made me feel good.  You can think things all you want... it's just when you open your mouth and give voice to them when it's not helpful or when you just want to be mean or right or superior or whatever... that is when it's shitty.   





Thinking lately and HOPING that I'm mostly over them.  Glad they are not in my life anymore as I'd rather surround myself with people who are looking at more, bigger things vs. the small, nasty, gossipy things.  I'm sad I had them in my life for so long and sucked up for so long and thought it was so important for them to like me and do things so I would not be on their gossip list.


Standing stronger and seeing more clearly. 

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Universe throwin' me a bone...

GRIN.


Had the best day yesterday.  Breakfast with one of the fellas from the gym... Don.  I am so in with the 65 and older crowd and I just love them.  They cheer me up every time I see them and we all say good morning and they have no idea how much they brightened my days this past year.


Don was such a gentleman, so smart, such a great conversationalist, great stories... and I feel really happy to start to get to know him.  He and Bob (also from the gym) go fly fishing and he said they would teach me and we can go to Red Feather Lakes this summer to fish for trout in belly boats.  Sounds good to me.


Got to work and we've hired so many new people.  There are two that I just jive with... Vicki and Garrentt... they are married and young - early 30s - and a total kick in the pants.  Garrentt has a squat rack, a barbell and weight plates to sell me... SCORE.


After work, met with a great friend, Kelley, for dinner at 415 - a restaurant I adore in town (goat cheese, beet salad with swordfish skewers and mixed veggies with a side o' spaghetti squash).  After dinner we headed to the local performing arts place to see Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn. 


SO AMAZING.  Bela Fleck if you don't know (and I actually didn't) is a bluegrass banjo guy... not just any bluegrass banjo guy - he's been nominated for something like 15 Grammy Awards and Abigail is his wife - also an incredible banjo musician, has the most gorgeous voice, she speaks fluent Chinese - and sang a bluegrass song in Chinese.. wha? How freaking cool!  And if that weren't enough she began clogging at one point.  She is fabulous and they put a huge grin on your face to see such talent.


A lot of me wants to hole up and just keep to myself given the experiences this past year... but boy... that really isn't me.  I like having friends. 


Was just a really great day from start to finish.  The universe telling me it's all gonna be jussst fine.  (which I KNOW, I do - I totally KNOW this... but it's nice to have a super day to back up that knowledge)





Tuesday, February 2, 2016

It all goes back to your history

I'm working from home and listening to a Nia Shanks podcast with Tony Gentilcore.  They are both fitness industry peeps that know what they are talking about and they do really good things.  They both have blogs and facebook pages that have great stuff...


They are talking about Tony going to therapy and how it helped him.  How there is still stigma associated with it.


I agree with that and I think that EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. on this planet could benefit from therapy.  I just do.  An objective look at your reactions and why you say the shit you say to yourself and why you react the way you do.


A big reason I struggle so much with The Barn People rejecting me and The Neighbors I Thought Were My Best Friends abandoning me... is cuz of my past.  All the shit going down now has hit my major buttons of alarm/distress/panic. 


It's really amazing how that stuff always comes back up.  Forces you to work thru it from all kinds of angles. 


In Nancy Verrier's book, The Primal Wound, she talks about when children are given up for adoption, and the mental ramifications of a mother giving up her child for that child as they grow.  I was not given up for adoption so there are many issues I don't deal with, however, my Mom left my sister and I at a very, very young age for a lot of reasons - none of which I can fault her for and it's a long story.... however, one of the biggest messages I took away from that as a kid is that "you are easy to leave - you don't matter". 


Pair that with growing up in a verbally abusive home with my Dad who was awarded custody... a man who grew up in a household of physical and sexual abuse himself.  And in the 70s therapy was even more stigmatized and he never got help.  He didn't know anything else.  The messages I received often and for years via screaming, pushing, shoving, hitting... were that I was no good and that is putting it lightly... heh.


I'm not telling you this for any sort of pity.  And I'm so not sad right now.  I'm in a good head space.  It is just what I know and omg my life is great and yeah, I had shit to work thru to create the life I wanted and for life be great... we ALL have shit to work thru.  We ALL have a story.  I certainly had it way better than many and shrug, maybe worse than many others.  That isn't the point.  The point is:


A divorce happens where I not only lose the person I was closest to for 17 years... but then what I thought were my support systems....people that had been so close to me for umpteen years......and they drop me like a nasty, oozing, highly contagious venereal disease... then proceed to shit talk me to death?


Hello buttons!  My old friends!  How much fun are you!?  Welcome back - here - lets give you a comfy little cot right over here in my head so you can stay a while!  Let's see juuuuust how much you can fester!  Wheeee!


I have had enough therapy in my life to recognize these are triggers.  And I know enough to check in with a therapist when I need to... she's given me good tools to combat that shit.  And I use this blog to get the stuff in my head out...it's cathartic.


However, listening to the podcast today - and those two talking about therapy and ... I wanted to just.... I don't know - therapy is amazing. 


When you are struggling you should go because it will help you immensely.  No one has to know... just go. 


When you break you leg, you go to a doctor. 


When your heart is broken and your mind is telling you a bunch of bullshit about yourself... go see a therapist. 


They will give you ways to mend your heart, let you know how you react in situations is so completely normal and they help you machete thru all the bullshit to find your new path.