We had chickens for a little while. We had this one chicken that we brought home as a chick. It's legs grew sorta funny... I got on a chicken chat room and actually tried to make little chicken leg braces out of pipe cleaners.
Didn't work. (you saw that coming didn't you)
Anyway, this chicken would eat and drink but as it got bigger, it's problem became more pronounced and we called it "Scoliosis Chicken". It was all sorta twisted and it kinda flopped around on the ground, dragging itself to food and water. But it got around o.k. and it ate and drank and seemed happy enough. I mean it pecked at it's food and it preened it's feathers and stuff...
Well, it kept getting worse and one day I thought. I should really kill this chicken and put it out of it's misery, only I hadn't ever killed a chicken. I talked to some people who had and they told me to simply disconnect it's skull from it's neck - but be careful cuz the head could come off in your hand if you pull too hard. WHAT THE???!!!!
I went home and tried to do this but I was scared that the head was going to come off and that would just really and truly freak me out for all time ya know? I put Scoliosis Chicken on the ground and I pulled her head. I heard a big 'POP' and I let go. Scoliosis Chicken flopped around a minute and then it looked around like 'oh - hey - thanks for that chiropractic adjustment' and started pecking in the dirt. I tried it a couple more times and just gave up. Scoliosis Chicken lived.
I talked to Furry Husband about it and we thought - well, maybe if we put her out in the pasture tonight, a fox will come by and end it for us. We put Scoliosis Chicken waaayyy down in the pasture in a clump of tall grass and walked away. I mean she was so twisted and could barely move - no way could she go anywhere. Right? I know, huh, how pathetic. We couldn't even kill a chicken. We are both city kids and had just moved to the country and were too squeemish to pull a head off of a chicken.
The next morning we went down there and didn't find her. Shew. O.K. A fox got her. Scoliosis Chicken is no more.
WRONG!
She made her way up the entire pasture, through our very deep irrigation ditch full of running water and we found her outside the chicken coop looking hungry. Scoliosis Chicken lived a while longer. I left her alone for a long time because I figured anything that wanted to live that much, should.
Fall came and Scoliosis Chicken couldn't get IN the coop with the others to keep warm. I'm like - ok, enough already. Scoliosis Chicken has got to go to the light.
I called our neighbor Pete and asked if he had a machete or something and had he ever killed a chicken before? (Furry Husband was at work that day) Sure 'nuff, he did and he had. He came over and I placed Scoliosis Chicken on a board, held her still and Pete readied his machete. WHACK!
Oh crap. Machete dull. Scoliosis Chicken still alive!
WHACK!
WHACK! - run toward the light Scoliosis Chicken, run toward the light! Finally. Poor Scoliosis Chicken. Gawd. I was totally traumatized that it took that long and Pete's machete blade was dull. It was supposed to be quick! It was - it all happened in a minute... just not the way I thought it would.
That night Furry Husband and I took a drive. We didn't want to encourage any foxes, coyotes, racoons, skunks - whatever to scavange around our house or any of our neighbor's houses. We were like Tony Soprano for the chickens. If one died, we'd take the body for a car ride and dump it in this ditch far away from any houses. Circle of life and all that.
So yeah. We decapitated Scoliosis Chicken and dumped her body ala Soprano style. Bada bing.
1 comment:
I heart Carmela.
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