Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Wha?

What is that bright light in the sky? It's blinding my eyes! What is it called again?

Ohhhh yeah.... I think I remember now. THE SUN!

Forget how gloomy things are when I haven't seen the sun in so long. Didn't help that I went to see my Pop over the holiday weekend. It was raining and there is never a good time to go see him so I might as well go and get it done.

I was pulled over by the law in NE for going 15 mph over... sigh. When the copper asked what my rush was, I told him I had a Dad in a nursing home and I was trying to get it over with as fast as possible. He was a nice officer and let me go with a gruff warning. I slowed down. Figured I received a gift from the state o' Nebraska. Thank-you Nebraska!

Dad has declined. I've talked to the nurses about it and I knew what to expect but it's a whole different thing to witness it first hand. I know he chose to be an asshole most of his life. He never could control his anger or the violence. I don't agree with how he decided to live his life...

But the thing is, he is still my Dad.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't get so emotional because of who he was... and I know there are people who think I shouldn't care so much because of the things he did...

And yet, it's hard because I DO still care and I still get emotional up in the head watching him wither away.

To me, it's like he's King Kong... no one and I mean NO ONE messed with my Dad when he was in his prime. He was one mean muther and he would mess you up. Now he is shackled and going down... he is the mighty Kong lying in the streets waiting to die. The Parkinson's has brought him to his knees. Nothing to do but watch.

He has a hard time speaking at all now. A word here or there. Sometimes an entire sentence will come out. He is sleeping much more and eating much less - preparing to leave this world - in my completely un-medical opinion. It will be a blessing for him when he does. When I arrived he was catatonic... slumped in his chair staring at nothing. When I left he kept trying to get me to stay and when I walked out the door he was standing in the hall in his walker staring after me.

I don't have anything to compare that feeling to. It sure sucks ass tho'.

Oprah had a good article in her May 2009 magazine called "The Good Old Times" about caring for aging parents.... The author says to try and find some humor and I'm trying to get back in touch with my sick sense o' warped humor about this. I am. Might take me a minute tho'...

The sunshine today is helping. Helping immensely in fact....

8 comments:

DebH said...

Ahh...I am sending you a big hug!! Please know I feel for you and hope you find that warped side to help ease this. We "Cromwells" call it our sick side!! It helps to cope and may be all wrong, but it helps. I lost my husband in Dec of this last year and believe me, I have cried my heart out one minute and the next I am calling him a sonofa!*#*!! I know it sounds pretty weird, but sometimes it is just the crappy part of life. Keep your sense of humor...it keeps us real!!

Foxxy said...

Shanster--I'm so sorry for your pain. How he lived his life can't define how you live yours. Therefore if you feel pain because of his decline then that is your right. I will keep you in my prayers. Losing a parent under any circumstances is tough. My only advice is make sure you have a clear conscience. Let him know you love him then seek closure. I speak from experience. Good Luck.

Cheryl said...

I sometimes wonder what it will be like when my dad is in that stage of life. How will I feel considering what kind of father he was? Will I be stuck looking after him (or the only one visiting him) since he's alienated everyone else? I don't know. I definitely don't look forward to it.

And that image of your father while you were leaving sums everything up so well. Heartbreaking. Thank God for humor and sunshine.

Dedene said...

Seeing your parents get old and sick is just awful. I don't think that you can ever forget their parting.
You can try to get in touch with the good times with your Dad, but it sounds like it will be tough.
Hope the sun keeps up for you.

Shanster said...

DebH - thank-you. Yes, I usually can retain the sick sense of humor but sometimes ... eh... you know. I know you know. And I know I'm not alone, everyone has hard times and trouble. Helps to vent sometimes. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. You hang in there too - big, big hug right back atcha!


Foxxy - thanks. Yes, you are right, he doesn't define me. It is hard. I think I have a clear concious about my relationship with him, I hope I do. We did have some talks before his dementia increased so I like to think he knows I'm o.k. and will be o.k. and that I know he did the best he could. I know he loves me and I love him. I may not LIKE him very much, but he is my Dad and there is love there.

Doesn't mean he was right, but he did what he thought was best. I really don't think he conciously thought, "now, how can I mess up these two little girls and be the meanest person I can be?" He had baggage too. Like I said, doesn't make his decisions or behavior right - not at all. But yeah, still hard to watch and come to terms with it all...

Cheryl - Yes, thank goodness for humor and sunshine!! It's hard to know what the future will bring. I am wishing you lots of love and luck tho'.

Shanster said...

Dedene - Thank-you - I will - there are good memories too. Yes, the sun is GOOD for me.

Iowa Victory Gardener said...

Hi Shanster,
Sorry to hear about your Dad and all the baggage that goes with ailing parents. I lost my favorite Uncle ever to Parkinson's several years ago and it was a very sad decline, so I have an idea of what you're dealing with. Death is more merciful at that point, in my thinking, but that's harsh old me. I have worries about my estranged mother and what will eventually happen ... she basically disowned me (due to "how I live") several years ago. I have tons of guilt, of course, but I'm an adult after all, something she could never acknowledge. Anyway, put that whine away and have some cheese instead and enjoy the sunshine!

Big hugs to you from our house and loads of puppy kisses from Hanna!

Shanster said...

IVG - I think so too - it will be a blessing when he dies. Who would want to live that way with no chance of any recovery and only knowing it will get worse and worse.

It is her loss to miss out on knowing you and accepting you... I know that doesn't feel any better but if you drink enough wine, you can pretend. :) Thanks for the hugs and puppy kisses...