Wha?

What is that bright light in the sky? It's blinding my eyes! What is it called again?

Ohhhh yeah.... I think I remember now. THE SUN!

Forget how gloomy things are when I haven't seen the sun in so long. Didn't help that I went to see my Pop over the holiday weekend. It was raining and there is never a good time to go see him so I might as well go and get it done.

I was pulled over by the law in NE for going 15 mph over... sigh. When the copper asked what my rush was, I told him I had a Dad in a nursing home and I was trying to get it over with as fast as possible. He was a nice officer and let me go with a gruff warning. I slowed down. Figured I received a gift from the state o' Nebraska. Thank-you Nebraska!

Dad has declined. I've talked to the nurses about it and I knew what to expect but it's a whole different thing to witness it first hand. I know he chose to be an asshole most of his life. He never could control his anger or the violence. I don't agree with how he decided to live his life...

But the thing is, he is still my Dad.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't get so emotional because of who he was... and I know there are people who think I shouldn't care so much because of the things he did...

And yet, it's hard because I DO still care and I still get emotional up in the head watching him wither away.

To me, it's like he's King Kong... no one and I mean NO ONE messed with my Dad when he was in his prime. He was one mean muther and he would mess you up. Now he is shackled and going down... he is the mighty Kong lying in the streets waiting to die. The Parkinson's has brought him to his knees. Nothing to do but watch.

He has a hard time speaking at all now. A word here or there. Sometimes an entire sentence will come out. He is sleeping much more and eating much less - preparing to leave this world - in my completely un-medical opinion. It will be a blessing for him when he does. When I arrived he was catatonic... slumped in his chair staring at nothing. When I left he kept trying to get me to stay and when I walked out the door he was standing in the hall in his walker staring after me.

I don't have anything to compare that feeling to. It sure sucks ass tho'.

Oprah had a good article in her May 2009 magazine called "The Good Old Times" about caring for aging parents.... The author says to try and find some humor and I'm trying to get back in touch with my sick sense o' warped humor about this. I am. Might take me a minute tho'...

The sunshine today is helping. Helping immensely in fact....