Wednesday, February 10, 2016


Was thinking about how different the Barn People are from my Mom....

In my 20's I sorta wanted THEM to be my family.  Wished their mom was my mom and how I worked so hard to be accepted into their family all thru my 20s.  Only once I got older... I noticed some things.  It worked for them and I shrugged it off because we all have strange family quirks.

I began thinking about that though and decided I was much happier with MY mom being MY mom.  No longer wished for someone else in that capacity. 

And it makes me think about my mom - she is not very "there" because she is struggling with some dementia issues at her very young age - mid 60s.  And oh you have no idea how much I have missed her through all this stuff.  When it has counted, she sort of shines thru and says something that I know she would have said were her thoughts clear and it gives me a lot of comfort.

I think about how gracious my mom was and how much she'd been thru with our family history... so long ago and how incredibly hard that had to have been...and how she turned that into being SO involved in running womens shelters and safe-houses.  She was so involved with domestic violence... turning all that darkness in her life into help for others....

I remember her telling me about a co-worker who was seeing a person that was in a program she ran for so long.  It was for young first time offenders...these kids had to come in and see her employees... and one of her employees saw this girl who was young, had a kid... something about how her car was broken down and my Mom's employee gave this girl a lecture about saving $$ and it was her fault,  being condescending... and my mom went out after and paid for a tow truck and helped her secure a ride home and said sometimes people needed understanding rather than lecturing and life was hard enough...

There are other things like that I remember about her... she is gone now mostly...and it is so different than the people in my life who turned on me... those people were often running people down and so much more angry... and yes, I know they have been through struggles too - we ALL have... and I know that was hard..... it's just very interesting how people decide to be. 

We all get to choose how we want to be - WHO we want to be... really really going to work on not being small and petty... I don't think I am in general.  Though I know we are human and it's our nature...but I don't ever need to be hurtful to people.  It's easy to join in and "bond" or feel included over the gossip of someone else... it's not right tho' and it doesn't feel good when it's you they are gossiping about and they will eventually.  It's harmful and when it's all over, it doesn't ever present you in a very good light and has never made me feel good.  You can think things all you want... it's just when you open your mouth and give voice to them when it's not helpful or when you just want to be mean or right or superior or whatever... that is when it's shitty.   

Thinking lately and HOPING that I'm mostly over them.  Glad they are not in my life anymore as I'd rather surround myself with people who are looking at more, bigger things vs. the small, nasty, gossipy things.  I'm sad I had them in my life for so long and sucked up for so long and thought it was so important for them to like me and do things so I would not be on their gossip list.

Standing stronger and seeing more clearly. 

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