I really like leaving Ft. Collins these days... I know I won't run into anyone that knew me when I was married. No averted eyes, no avoiding at all costs, no hearing about the nasty things people say...
It's a nice mental break in not prepping myself for the worst all the time. "Stare at the ground when you are at Country House... don't look to see who is driving past... stare straight ahead when you go into the women's locker room at the gym..." Planning my game face and my "ok - if you see X, just smile politely and say good morning - don't let it get to you, you are ok."
I got a group text right before I left town from someone inviting me to their daughters graduation - I don't know the other numbers it was sent to.... but a couple of the replies were from the leaders at the barn I've been ousted from.
EWWWW EWWWW EWWWW
No WAY would I ever attend a party any of those people would be attending. I would NEVER put myself in that situation again... to be actively shunned to my face? No thanks. I politely declined and wished all the best to the graduate.
When I travel? I can just go into the world when I'm travelling. No planning required. I can look into people's faces and smile and they smile back I can go to dinner with people from class and they act normal, talk to me, converse. It's refreshing.
I stopped at the gym, Redefining Strength, before I left. The woman who has been my personal trainer online owns and runs it. I was able to meet her for the first time... so much fun. I worked out with a group of people, shot the shit, called shit on people, laughed, joked. People LIKED me. Made me remember that I AM a like-able person. I am funny and I am kind and I am encouraging and I am a really nice person.
Reminds me of a quote I posted on FB - something about how not believing you are worth relationships/caring/love would be like not believing a light could shine through a broken window... I've been believing the brain bugs lately.
I worked out - watched the next class - we all went to dinner... sat until we closed the place, talking, joking, laughing... I felt part of the group. I had people laughing - they had me laughing.
I could so see myself there. Building relationships! Having friends again! I know I see all the old fellas at my gym.. and they are wonderful. Truly they are. However, I don't hang with them outside the gym and we don't work out together... we don't laugh and have girl talk and say vagina during dinner... something about that camaraderie...
I'm home - horrible period cramps, ugh - it is gray and cloudy and cold... Toe and Puppy Briar were happy to see me. Kittehs were happy to see me. Boyfriend is glad I'm home... it should be enough.
I finished reading Brene Brown.... I read some things online about divorce and needing to close the doors on what your life was so you can open doors into the new. Stop hiding from the world. (so it's not just me!) I'm trying. Think that dinner and the invite before I left helped me with that - shut those doors. Need to move onward and outward. Find new relationships and friends.
Look outward and no longer backward.
Easier said than done... however... one of these days it will be reality....