Friday, January 13, 2017

Checking in....

Saw Barb of Barb and Tamara in the locker room the other day in the gym.   SIGH.  I simply looked up and saw a "person" - gave that non-committal polite smile - then realized it was Barb and her face lit up with recognition of me...  her instinct was to say HI to me but I have rebuked all that really. 

Hard to explain. 

They chose Dave and that is fine - I guess I hoped it could have been different and they would not have had to choose one of us....but it's not...

I used to be IN their circle and now they want me removed to a friendly acquaintance - and I am like wtf?  You are my friend or you aren't.  You can't make me this beloved indoor dog and then oh - out you go into the backyard and we will pet you whenever it's convenient....  

So I had this brief flash of just SAD - a really deep sadness.  Sad for all the loss.  For ALL of it. 

However - I acknowledged it - yes.  That IS a sad thing. 

And then thought of the old guys at the gym, the other younger dude Aaron I say hi to... the people in my life now... and I moved onward with my day - I moved FORWARD into my day and into my life and did not stay in the past.  I spent about 30 second of thought on it in the locker room as I prepared for my workout... I certainly did not dwell on it. 

It just IS.

I thought on my way to the car about how I COULD change that if I wanted to - to try and befriend Barb and Tamara again?  But I really don't want to play that game and play seconds all the time.  I know if they have a party Dave will be the one to be invited, not me - unless he's out
of town.  And then what? 

One of the friends they have, Pat, whom I always saw out and about and we would stop to chat... Pat saw me at the gym and avoided eye contact at ALL costs even tho I said surprised - Oh! Hi!  I didn't know you came here!  She never responded and avoided me.  So I go to a party and then I'm like the WEIRD one to avoid or be awkward with?  No thanks.  Had enough of that with the barn clan. 

And who wants to feel that in a friendship?  Always picked last for the game?  Like how they had their housewarming for all the "neighbors" - the second string - the acquaintances.  You KNOW they had one for all their close friends... cuz that second string invite was addressed to me along with the neighbors.  It didn't have ANY of their close friends I always saw at parties and chatted with and knew thru them.....

So meh.

Thinking about it is different than dwelling and sinking into the sad until your skin is so saturated with sad that your fingers are all pruney and wrinkled with it...

 Life is just different and that was a really good and fun chapter but it's over.  And that is sad but there are lots of other chapters to experience and move toward....

AND even before all this happened, I bought like 3-4 Maya Angelou books... I've been wanting to read her.  She had a very hard childhood but came out of it with a real sense of grace and positivity and goodness.... got them all used on Amazon for like $3-4... will be looking forward to reading them!

**and maybe one day I will write about Dave but 1. I think he still reads this blog occasionally and 2. I think his friends do too.  And maybe they just want to try and figure out what happened and that is why they do... or they see if I'm ok without having to ask ... who knows.  I dealt with enough judgment, backlash, nastiness, anger, dislike, avoidance etc etc etc that I don't need or want to be attacked anymore. 

Trust levels still low.  Paranoia levels still above average.  All getting better... but gonna take some time.  Nothing at defcon 10 anymore ... no sirens blaring and red lights flashing at least.  Maybe things are a good yellow....mentally peeking around corners with a hard hat on.  grin.

Some things better left un-said and un-explained anyway. 

Like I said - those chapters are closed - the chapters when we had each other's back no matter what.  That is the past. 

Who knows if we will be in each other's "books" as they continue to write themselves out.... I told my sister a long time ago that Dave and I will never be friends - sad that we couldn't bridge the hurt to still find the friendship.  She told me, "you don't know that.  how can you know that?  you never thought you would be divorced either..."  How right she is... 

 And that is all the profound I have in me today.  ha ha ha! 

Peace to you and whatever you struggle with - I hope you are able to move it to the side faster and faster to continue FORWARD vs. staying stuck in the mire.  Here's to finding defcon 1 again when all lights are green....  

Big love to you and yours and even those that aren't yours anymore... more love is always a good thing.

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