Change

grin.  More views with the drama than when life was pre-divorce.

More thoughts.   

I know there are folks who think I am so different, lost my mind, have dropped everything for a boy.  Heh.  None of that is my truth.  At all.

When I discovered my horse outlet was gone...and went to the "dreaded pool party" where I truly experienced the full on WE DONT LIKE YOU ANYMORE.  YOU ARE NOT WELCOME AND NO LONGER ONE OF US.  Shrug.  What does a person do?  I'm not groveling to anyone because I have not done anything that caused harm to them.  If they choose to make my situation and take my relationship with Dave and how that has changed and make it personal?   I can't be responsible for that.  I am responsible for me.  I am responsible for my life, my interactions with Dave, my decisions about my house, property, animals...and no one else's.  

And I would counter that people act differently in response to actions.

You have a dog...you are happy to see that dog, smiles, kind words, happiness.  That dog returns the affection.  One day you decide you don't like the dog.  You have a hard face, angry eyes, stiff aggressive body language, loud, angry words.  The dog responds in kind....he avoids you.  He is worried and fretful when you walk in the room.  is the dog really that different or is the dog responding to actions against him?

Why would I want people like that in my life?  And how does all that hateful behavior ever invite reconciliation, understanding, trust?   My trust in them is forever gone.  I would never feel comfortable sharing any facet of my life with any of them other than a hello, how are you, nice weather we're having.  Grin.  Not that any of them would say even that much to me.  

And after 15 years of your life being one way...and now it is ... Wow, 180 degrees different?  Well, I think you will struggle to find where you fit and how to move forward.  Things are so different on so many levels.  I think that is normal.  

I had been told for years and years that Dressage was hard and expensive and if you weren't having fun, why do it?  Um.  Yeah.  I'm not having fun any more.  And I am not willing to put myself on the firing line to continue with it.  Most of the awesomeness about it was being part of that group.  Belonging.  The "we are all in it together"... Which was true until my divorce.  I'm not part of that any more.   

And I AM struggling to find a new way to enjoy my mare....but there are lots of things to learn and discover....lots of horse sports.  And I'm fine with that.  I think when you life as you knew it is blown to bits?  You see there are many options.  You HAVE to find other options in response to changes.  So yeah....I'm struggling but I will find a way.  

And the merry go round keeps going round and round....

Life is good. 


I have a really great job.  My co-workers are great.  I love living in Colorado.... I'm starting my dog on bird dog hunting and am completely geeked over that.  Have always wanted a bird dog and to go hunting...


My gym workouts are going well - hit a personal best of 52.5 Turkish Get Up today.  And I have been befriended by a few older men at my gym.  I'm so in with the 65 and older crowd.  They absolutely make my day every time I see them when I go to the gym.  They are fit, strong and they are an inspiration.  I am so thankful for them, I got them all small gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop at Christmas.  They made a really difficult year not as difficult.


I have great, supportive friends in my life.  I had lunch with a friend yesterday.  I have plans with another friend Wednesday.  And more plans for a girls day with more friends later in Feb.  My weekends are busy with fun things. 


I have a boyfriend and we are having a lot of fun together.  My first Christmas with his family this year and they made me feel so incredibly welcome and included.  It was so touching after having been rejected by many that for days afterward it brought me to tears.  And Christmas with my family was really nice as well... my little niece asking if I could come every Christmas Eve to decorate cookies and could we make it a tradition?  Tugged at my heart strings.


Life is good. 


And while it's good, there are still dark spots.  Running into someone you haven't seen in forever and when you used to run into them there were smiles and friendly hellos and chatting about stuff in general... and now?  They look at you and scurry by as fast as they can without saying a word.   Cuz now I am THAT person.  The one to avoid.  I'm on the "bad people" list.


Or going to lunch with a friend and they tell you that they mentioned your name to someone that you've known since you were 18 and was such a big part of your life... and that person is quick to shred you to pieces, running your name through the mud.  Trashing you thoroughly and completely. 


It's unsettling.  It's shocking.  It's disturbing that people can have that much dislike, anger and nastiness directed at you.  And it makes you so incredibly paranoid.  Oh my God, so paranoid. 


If anyone has stood on their own in the midst of a group attacking... you will know what I mean.  You begin to question everything. 




I remember pre-divorce friends (no longer friends post-divorce) several years ago talking about a couple they knew who broke up.  And maybe a year after the break-up, the one everyone had decided was the "bad one" killed herself. 


Being the "bad one" now .. I can understand that.  This previously mentioned woman had some mental issues that worked against her.  However, when your entire life is turned upsidedown from the loss of a long term relationship, and the friends, support systems, and extra curricular activities you once did are gone and those people now hate you?


Yeah.  I can see how someone would think their world and their life was completely meaningless and worthless and it would be easier to end it. 


Fortunately, I have a lot of friends that didn't pass judgement on my decisions or choices; they still enjoy my company and value my friendship.  I have other areas I can turn to in my life for extra curricular things and for hobbies... I can view this as an opportunity to really discover what I want to do and how I want to live my life.  I have so much to live for. 


I could choose to see it all as an ending, however, I'm trying hard to see it as a beginning, ignore the nastiness - choose gratitude and love -  and see that I can choose to live any way I want to.  The world can be my oyster...


It's not easy some days.  Hard to get out of your head and ignore the paranoia and stop the bad tape loops that run thru your mind when confronted with so much hatred...telling you "You are worthless".  "You are meaningless".  "You are bad".


I am choosing love and gratitude and trying to find the light in the dark.  There IS light.  There is much to be thankful for.


Life is good. 

When you're alone, you are nothing but alone....

Bruce Springsteen song that came on my iPod play list this AM at the gym....  and yup.  That is the truth.

I'm so sad today.  Part of it is pms hormones cuz I was ok yesterday and nothing changed between then and now.  And then wham.  fucking hormones hit. 

I've lost many of my old friends because I've left Dave.  They don't actually ask me how I am - they speculate and gossip and get mad and say nasty things...who knows what.  When I've confronted them, they say they speculate and gossip because they are worried about me.  But then they don't actually ask me anything like how are you?  And no one stops by anymore and no one calls or emails anymore and no one invites me anywhere.

All the ones that were supportive at first?  I guess they got over the "shock" and NOW they have decided to hate me.  heh.  Who knew? 

So for those who WANT me to hurt out of some sort of feelings of injustice or loyalty to Dave.  Oh, trust me.  I am. 

I actually was invited to a neighbor's pool party a week or so ago and the aforementioned "friends" would not talk to me or look at me.  If I tried to interject into a conversation I was ignored and looked through.  It was the most uncomfortable and hurtful place I've been in a long time.

Dave isn't even that mad or mean to me.  And if anyone is to be mad or mean, it would be HIM.  But he and I are level with each other.  Both sad for the loss and struggling with the change but we still are nice to each other and care about each other.  I wish nothing but the good and the best and the fastest healing for him. 

So yeah.  This seperating and divorce thing sucks ass.  Not only for the struggle between the two married people - and the struggle is THEIRS to know and deal with and you simply can't make anyone see or understand it... it's between those two people.  It's their history and marriage.... but damn for all the ripples created once it's happened. 

Fuck.  It's hard enough.

I talked with my sister about how once you go thru something so life changing and hard like this it really opens your eyes to judgement and empathy and how if only you'd known what it was like you would have been more kind to so and so or you would have called them more often or checked in with them more... if only you had known. 

Experiences like this sure change one's perspective in being more available for others who might be struggling.  Those friends of mine who have stuck with me - not changed their behavior towards me?  Oh how I value them.  Oh how I love them and I am so incredibly grateful for them....

They know who they are. 

Peace to anyone struggling... I hope you find peace and love and empathy.

Cheers -

Scared

A friend in college once told me:  "It's a wiggly world"

Yes. 

Yes it is.

Since the last time I blogged - I told my husband of 15 yrs and whom I dated 2 yrs before we got married... so 17 years... I told him I didn't want to be married any more.

Didn't think it would happen to me.  I thought my life would be over if Dave and I were no longer married.  I really and truly did not think this could happen.

My life is not over.

However it's weird.  And change that big is scary.  And I wish I had my Mom through all of this but I don't.  I really, really, really wish for that. 

I think I am fine.  Everyone I talk to says I am processing things so well and I'm so healthy.  And I think that yes, that is pretty accurate.  I'm not completely losing my shit.  Yes, there is sadness and of course mourning. 

I think a lot of times I don't "get" to feel sad or mournful since I'm the one that asked for this.  I kinda feel like I can't be sad and my voice should not be heard.  I kinda feel like I should quietly disappear actually.

Tho' lately - I think now that the dust has settled and reality of what has happened is now in front of me - I've been feeling really weird.  A bad feeling.  So uncomfortable.  I thought about it - sat with it - tried to define it.  It isn't just the sad and honestly many days I'm not sad - I am really ok.  It's something else.

I've decided I think it's because I'm scared. 

I'm not sure why I'm scared?  My house is the same and is now in my name.  My job is the same and is in no danger.  My friends are the same and everyone has been so incredibly supportive when for some reason I thought everyone would hate me.  No one does.  Dave and I remain friendly and think we will be friends when all this is said and done.  I don't have children to worry about.  I'm not really afraid to be on my own... or I don't think I am.  I've always been pretty independent.

And yet I'm still scared.  And it's a really icky feeling and I wish it would go away.  It's unsettling.  Like the other shoe is gonna drop... I'm gonna wake up to zombie plague... something... something is going to happen...

Only it already did. 

This is my new normal and I can make it whatever I want to make it.  That isn't a bad thing.  It's just different.   I suppose time will tell.  Time heals all... 

Learning More....

I begin reading blogs about fighting, boxing, muay thai.... especially those written in a woman's voice.  I want to know how they got started, what they think, how they are doing with it all.  They must have had similar experiences in relation to being female in a men's club.  I'm reading The Glowing Edge and 8 Limbs Us mostly.  I am watching some highlight videos recommended to me from Coach J -  Conor McGregor and JoJo Calderwood.  Sometimes watching the youtube videos freaks me out.  I'm not sure why.  Just that I am such a beginner and those people are SO GOOD and have made it their job/life.  And that isn't really my goal... to make this my job or life.  So I get intimidated or overwhelmed or ...?  I don't know.  Something.

And then I give myself a talk - remind myself why I'm doing this.  This is for the art of mastering my movement and becoming handy in using myself and handling myself. 

A guy at work asks why I do this and why don't I just get a gun or pepper spray.  Completely dismissing the effort to learn this.  And to me that is such a misunderstanding.  I want to rely on MYSELF and know that I am strong and know how to use myself to my advantage vs. relying on something else like a gun or mace.  I don't know if that makes sense.  And at the same time I don't think my learning this sport is a fail safe.  I don't think because I will learn to strike and kick that I am invincible or that I can't be hurt or attacked. 

However, it gives me a chance.  A chance I didn't have before to suprise someone wanting to do me harm and get the hell out.  It's a knowledge my muscles carry and my brain conveys adn that I carry with me always.  I don't have to check my purse or my belt or my pocket to see if it's there, to see if the safety is off... it's a reliance on myself if you will.  And I'm not condeming people that carry guns or pepper spray at all... to each their own.  It's just that to me, it's important that I know what I am capable of and to use my own self - my own body to do it. 

In the reading I've been doing, a lot comes down to sparring.  To get better, you need to find sparring partners.  I'm not a green shirt so I can't come to sparring class... and I started calling the gym and making noise... will there be other classes offered other than the 2x a week?  Is there any other way to spar?  If I asked other beginners to get together is that against gym rules?  Would the gym have problems with that if some people got together to skill practice?

I become a complete pain in the ass.

More Muay Thai...and being a girl

I go to my muay thai classes religiously.  You can't expect to get better at anything if you are sporadic or only do it when you "feel" like it.  I LOVE my boxing nights.  Hitting the pads is technical, thoughtful, and empowering.  Even though I know I am no good (how can ANYONE be good at anything they just start unless they have been bitten by a radioactive spider?) I feel powerful in my boxing classes hitting pads and learning about punches.

I could listen to the coaches talk about how to throw a punch over and over because every time they explain it to new people that come, I hear some other small nuance that I missed the other times I heard it explained.

Being a girl in muay thai is interesting.  And frustrating.  The fact that I'm THERE... I'm out of my comfort zone, I'm in a room of men, often the only woman... and I'm so much older than anyone there... should let people know I'm there and I'm serious and I really want to learn this.  However, society frowns on men hitting women and for good reason.

I get it.  I was around domestic violence growing up.  It's horrible and freaking scary and should never be condoned.  Men don't hit women. 

Unless... they are in boxing class.  So it's a weird thing.  And I'm so happy when one of the men there brings it and doesn't "seem" to pull punches into the pads I hold for them... and at the end of class when we grapple, I am so glad when a guy really tries vs. just going limp or soft and letting me easily best them because I'm a girl.

And I struggle with this and I admit I have a chip on my shoulder about it.  And I admit things can be 2 sided.  Guy holds a door open for you and he's a gentleman but then you want him to punch you in the face in boxing class.  Doesn't compute and mixed messages galore.  And what guy wants to be the one who punches the girl and she freaks out?  What if she wasn't expecting it or had a different idea of what boxing would be?  I don't know all the reasons they won't hit back or hit hard, I'm not a guy.  I can only imagine.

Some nights I come home elated... buzzing and vibrating full of energy and excitement because I felt like I was paired with guys that didn't pander to my being a girl.  Other nights I come home so incredibly frustrated and mad because I was paired with guys that caved and wouldn't fight and were like wet dishrags because I'm a girl...

And especially if I'm taking this course to learn how to be strong should someone ever attack me.  Those guys are not helping me.  I'm not learning.  No attacker is going to play "nice" because I'm a girl.  That is a perceived weakness that they will try to exploit. 

There are way more classes I come home excited than mad however and I am loving the feeling of power and figuring out how to use my body technically to be stronger, more balanced, faster.  It's really amazing. 

I'm a white shirt - baby beginner.  Once you have 40 classes you obtain green shirt status - still a beginner - but a beginner that knows at least a little of what is going on.  When you obtain your green shirt, you are allowed to come to the MMA sparring class held Thursday night.

We get a chance to spar a tiny bit with Coach G and Coach J on Wednesday nights.  A quick 2-3 minute round.  I love my sparring time because it is so dynamic.  I can shadow box and punch a bag all day long but nothing else is coming at me.. I don't have to worry about keeping my guard up (which I should always do but when no one is hitting you, it's easy to forget or to not notice)

I can.  not.  wait.  until I'm a green shirt. 

UFC Reality Show

There is a show on tv now about women strawweight (115lbs) fighters.  They are the best of the best... some were picked due to their fight records, the others had to go to "tryouts" and were picked based on the skills displayed there.

The fighters are put onto two teams, each coached by different men and they all live in this house... it reminds me of an MTV reality show... ugly.  They train and they will fight each other until there is one ultimate winner - the UFC Strawweight Champion. 

We DVR'd it... I watched 2 episodes and decided to delete, delete, delete. 

I get it's supposed to be entertainment... but good grief.  Are we at the point where all the crap...the drama, trash talk, anger, crying, negativity, hate is so freaking entertaining?  I really hate reality tv like this.

I liked watching the training - I liked hearing the women's back stories..it's not something a ton of women are flocking to and I want to hear how they got involved, why they stayed with it, what they get out of it, what challenges they face.  And I liked watching the fights - I want to see how they defend, how they go offensively, how things are scored... the ebb and flow of a real sporting event.

I enjoy seeing muscular women because you just don't see them every day and while I don't get that much shit about it any more... I got SO. MUCH. SHIT. from co-workers mostly when I started getting muscles.  So I watch and I like seeing other women who train and have muscles.

After watching the 2nd show I found myself having that black cloud of negativity and wondering if I should be doing this and if I was cut out for going to a muay thai class....

Decided YES.  I AM.  I am having fun, I am fit, I am strong and will get more fit and more strong where I need it if I am lacking for this new endeavor.  I don't think you have to hate your opponent... it's no different than a soccer game or basketball game... you go up against an opponent, there is a winner and a loser, you shake hands and it's nothing personal.  You go back home and figure out what you need to work on if you lost and you work on it... like ANY OTHER SPORT.

So yeah --- delete.  Don't need the drama, the negativity, the hate.  There is enough of that in the world.  I can learn how to fight and remain cheerful and have fun doing it.  I'm not freaking Rhonda Rousey and I have no aspirations to be. 

I liked a post by Sylvie von Duuglas-Ittu who is training and fighting muay thai in Thailand.  She was speaking to how the children begin fighting young and it's a way of life for them and it's why the Thai are such great fighters.  She talked about a girl she works with (I think she is 12?) who is very serious but lights up and laughs a lot when fighting because she loves it so much and it brings her joy.  And she talked about a boy (younger - maybe 8?) who, even when faced with someone much larger or skilled than he is, goes at it 100% and throws himself in. 

She ended her post saying to be more like them... and THAT is what motivates me.  Not the "entertainment" of tv producers driving hate, the tearing down of others, the anger...

It's the the SKILL and the JOY that comes from moving well, getting stronger, learning skills, knowing a sport and figuring out how to be better.