Friday, January 29, 2016

And the merry go round keeps going round and round....

Life is good. 

I have a really great job.  My co-workers are great.  I love living in Colorado.... I'm starting my dog on bird dog hunting and am completely geeked over that.  Have always wanted a bird dog and to go hunting...

My gym workouts are going well - hit a personal best of 52.5 Turkish Get Up today.  And I have been befriended by a few older men at my gym.  I'm so in with the 65 and older crowd.  They absolutely make my day every time I see them when I go to the gym.  They are fit, strong and they are an inspiration.  I am so thankful for them, I got them all small gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop at Christmas.  They made a really difficult year not as difficult.

I have great, supportive friends in my life.  I had lunch with a friend yesterday.  I have plans with another friend Wednesday.  And more plans for a girls day with more friends later in Feb.  My weekends are busy with fun things. 

I have a boyfriend and we are having a lot of fun together.  My first Christmas with his family this year and they made me feel so incredibly welcome and included.  It was so touching after having been rejected by many that for days afterward it brought me to tears.  And Christmas with my family was really nice as well... my little niece asking if I could come every Christmas Eve to decorate cookies and could we make it a tradition?  Tugged at my heart strings.

Life is good. 

And while it's good, there are still dark spots.  Running into someone you haven't seen in forever and when you used to run into them there were smiles and friendly hellos and chatting about stuff in general... and now?  They look at you and scurry by as fast as they can without saying a word.   Cuz now I am THAT person.  The one to avoid.  I'm on the "bad people" list.

Or going to lunch with a friend and they tell you that they mentioned your name to someone that you've known since you were 18 and was such a big part of your life... and that person is quick to shred you to pieces, running your name through the mud.  Trashing you thoroughly and completely. 

It's unsettling.  It's shocking.  It's disturbing that people can have that much dislike, anger and nastiness directed at you.  And it makes you so incredibly paranoid.  Oh my God, so paranoid. 

If anyone has stood on their own in the midst of a group attacking... you will know what I mean.  You begin to question everything. 

I remember pre-divorce friends (no longer friends post-divorce) several years ago talking about a couple they knew who broke up.  And maybe a year after the break-up, the one everyone had decided was the "bad one" killed herself. 

Being the "bad one" now .. I can understand that.  This previously mentioned woman had some mental issues that worked against her.  However, when your entire life is turned upsidedown from the loss of a long term relationship, and the friends, support systems, and extra curricular activities you once did are gone and those people now hate you?

Yeah.  I can see how someone would think their world and their life was completely meaningless and worthless and it would be easier to end it. 

Fortunately, I have a lot of friends that didn't pass judgement on my decisions or choices; they still enjoy my company and value my friendship.  I have other areas I can turn to in my life for extra curricular things and for hobbies... I can view this as an opportunity to really discover what I want to do and how I want to live my life.  I have so much to live for. 

I could choose to see it all as an ending, however, I'm trying hard to see it as a beginning, ignore the nastiness - choose gratitude and love -  and see that I can choose to live any way I want to.  The world can be my oyster...

It's not easy some days.  Hard to get out of your head and ignore the paranoia and stop the bad tape loops that run thru your mind when confronted with so much hatred...telling you "You are worthless".  "You are meaningless".  "You are bad".

I am choosing love and gratitude and trying to find the light in the dark.  There IS light.  There is much to be thankful for.

Life is good. 

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