Friday, April 22, 2016

Eye Opening...

I've been riding - no goals - but that is ok.  My butt is in the saddle... I am enjoying my horse.  And do I NEED goals for riding?  shrug.  I dunno.  I didn't when I was a kid and just liked riding... so that is where I'm at. 

Re-reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly.  EYE FREAKING OPENING.  I read it 8 yrs ago when my sister was preggers.  I wasn't expecting it to resonate so much and it was kind of jaw dropping... for a lot of reasons.  It described what happened between Dave and I to a T and I was like wtf?  Seriously?  I'm reading this in a book???  It's not just me?  Always felt it was me, something wrong with me....  Disengagement and sliding door moments... to a freaking T. 

Was invited to dinner from neighbors I once considered very dear and close.  Once Dave and I split, they dropped me like a hot potato.  Didn't return my calls for months... I left my last message telling them I understood and wouldn't call them any more.  Now 1.5 yrs later....


I fought with that a while - do I go? 

I don't think they actively disliked me or trashed me like the barn folk did and still do.  I think they felt they needed to circle wagons around Dave and I was not to be included for whatever reason. 

So ... I decided to put my big girl pants on, set aside ego and go. 

I'm not looking forward to it.  It will be awkward and I don't trust them enough to ever be close to them again.  A year and a half and NOW they miss me???  I am trying to set my intentions - like in yoga - to choose kindness and choose grace over sarcasm and bitterness.  And I trust it will peter out since I won't be initiating anything with them any more... if they got used to not having me around, I'm sure it will be just as easy to let me drop off the map again. 

I won't be super happy or relaxed and all smiles like in the past when there was that comfort level of good friends and when trust was abundant.  So they will think I've changed.  And so I have.  And so have they. 

Why am I going?  To prove that I can.  Because I will probably need to interact with them at some point over the irrigation in the neighborhood and setting negativity aside will make those interactions better - easier.

Saw one of the barn people - the woman I once wished was my mom - at a local restaurant in a window this past weekend.  OH - I so wanted to walk up to the window, pound on it and be all happy smiles and cheerful waves....

Smart assery and sarcasm .... I didn't follow through... tho in my mind I was imagining it and laughing... sure would have given that table something to discuss a while.  grin. 

Good news is I didn't care.  I saw her - acknowledged she used to be of great importance at one point and for a long time - and now?  A person I would rather not spend any energy, time or effort on.  No feelings of sadness or bitterness. 

Moving onward. 

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