Coming back....

OK - so that dinner with former friends / neighbors... dude.  That fucking shook me and left me in a really dark place.  Really dark.  Really really really fucking dark. 


Like I am The Destroyer of Men... that song by Henry Rollins.. Four Sticks... "you take a man and you crush him, you take his spine and you snap it...that's what you do... that's what you do" 


yeah.  That is me.  Destroyer of lives.


I destroyed my Dad when I put him into a nursing home - took away everything he had ... I destroyed Dave when I left - took away "our happy little life"...I was the cause of my Mothers physical abuse because she told me when Dad came home and if something was wrong with me as a baby - a scrape, a scratch, she was beaten for it ... I wasn't enough to take care of my sister thru all the domestic violence and foster homes when we were little - I couldn't protect her.  (uh hello, I was like 3 or 4 --- who COULD take care of anyone at that age???)  And I know... I know...  I will destroy Boyfriend at some point in time... and every happy statement he makes about us together... I cringe... because I am THE DESTROYER and I think ... just wait Boyfriend... just wait... I will ruin your life too...


I don't want to be in that place any more.  It isn't the truth.  It is dark and dank and putrid and evil.  That is not me.  I am NOT a destroyer.  Never my intent or want.  Never want to hurt anyone.  I am kind.  I am a really nice person. 


Visit with my therapist...


And started reading things.  Jade Teta has been hitting the nail on the head lately.  He had some posts about our "super powers" as humans on this planet.  Google him if you are interested.


Anyway - he said while going through a rough time, he wrote a core statement about himself.  At first the sad/overwhelmed depressed me thought I can't do that... I don't have anything to write. 


And then the survivor in me stood up from somewhere in the back row balcony of the house packed full of sad and horrible and called bullshit on that.  Of course you do - you can write something.  So I penned one out.  It did help.. helped me to see ME from what I know to be true of myself vs. from other perspectives or from all the wierdos out there that have some issue with me now post-Dave and the strange made-up stories they tell themselves about me.


And Mr. Teta talked about how you re-write your story.  FUCK YES.  My story does not have to be wallowing in sadness.  I do not have to accept the less than treatment of people due to circumstances that in no way affected how they live their lives or carry on in this world.  I don't need to be the destroyer in my story.   I can re-write.


He talks about our perception being a choice.  Yes.  As hard as that is to accept.  Yes.  I am choosing to let the shit overflow in my head.  It's time to make another choice. 


I am reading Eat, Pray, Love which just beginning is spot on as well.  She talks about 2 yrs of depression/sadness from the divorce and still while that is happening good things happen too... and how the person she was married to... they knew each other better than anyone else on the planet and once the split happened, they became instant strangers.  Truth.  And it is so weird.  It's like I've just disappeared - become invisible and like I've never existed.  I've been erased.  Last 17 yrs just gone.  Like it never happened.  poof. 


And I've seen the movie so I know it ends well... or maybe that was Under the Tuscan Sun... anyway.  Whatever.  It ends well and her words are spot on so far. 


So nice to have some validation - even if it is in a book that was made into a movie... cuz man... I sometimes feel like a complete island.  I touch no one and no one touches me... I am a rock... I am an island...  I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain, it's laughter and it's loving I disdain... I am a rock... I am an island.... Paul Simon


I don't wanna be the rock... I don't wanna be the island.  I am a happy person, I LIKE people, I like making people feel good - I am an encourager in this world.  And I think in general the world needs more encouragement cuz it's way way way too easy to hear all the negative bullshit and that is exactly what it is - BULLSHIT and apply it to yourself. 


Soooo.  Based on my therapist visit I am trying to meditate 10 min a day.  I am mostly using that to self talk in nice ways to myself. 


I have this sign up in my cubicle at work "The Words You Speak Become The House You Live In".  I have been speaking horribly to myself... horrible things and thoughts.  Turning that around.  Tearing down the dark, dank, shitty house I've been living in. 


Building a new house.  A lighter house.  A happier house to live in. 


While I'm not sure I believe in God - I am spiritual and so I am saying things like: "you are worthy.  you are worth loving.  you deserve to be here.  you are here for a reason.  you are a survivor.  you are a champion.  you are so worth love. you are here for a reason.  the divine created you for something.  you ARE worthy." 


I am trying to find gratitude - thankful for the things I am blessed with and given the grace to experience/feel/see/hear/touch/taste... thank-you for the beautiful blue sky... the sunset... being able to see the moon at 7pm at night in the sky... for my happy little stump tailed dog....talenti gelato and sorbet on sale in chocolate and chocolate chip coffee...  


I am reading and re-reading the Jade Teta blog posts... re-writing my story.  Defining myself using only myself for input and not the negative of others.  Defining what is important to me.  Looking for where I want to go...


Yes - of course sadness is still around... like a wolf with steely eyes just waiting for me to falter so he can spring up and pull me back down... yes, it is still there I can feel him watching me... waiting...


However, right now I am Shannon Fucking Schierling.  I am happy, I love laughing, I like to play and be excited about little things and smile -


In college a roommate brought home a guy... in the AM when he came out of her room, he saw me and his face lit up, "you are that girl who smiles ALL the time!  I see you out and you are ALWAYS smiling!"  Yeah.  THAT is the me I know...


I love encouraging others and helping them to see they are GOOD and WORTHY... none of us are as bad as we think we are.  (ahem - including ME dammit!)


My old life is gone.  Door closed. 


My new life and story is being written...


I want it to be a happy story... one that makes people laugh and smile and feel good.  Most of all I want to be happy, laugh and smile again.  I'm don't want the darkness anymore... unless it's the night sky with a moon and stars.  That kind of dark I can handle.... 


I will find new friends.  I will forge a new path.  I have survived and will continue to survive.  I am a survivor. 

A victory...

Celebrate your successes.  No matter how small.  They are still successes!


Went to the gym extra early the other day to get my ass to work early.  I went to wash my hands and the woman who used to say hello to me at the gym pre-divorce - the sister of a Barn Person - was washing her hands in the sink next to me.


FUCK. 


I walked up anyway - thinking grumpily how it was so early and now I had to deal with THIS first thing?  Show my tough face, wear my armor when I just wanted to go work out.  I stared ahead, minding my bid'ness.  Steeling myself.  Mantras in place. 


She stopped mid-wash - staring directly at me in the mirror and said in a very indignant and sarcastic tone;  Uh... GOOD MORNING.


Sigh.  What the fuck do you people want from me?  Why can't they just leave me the hell alone. 


I looked at her.  I said good morning.  I dried my hands and I left to roller and activate and work out.


When I left the bathroom - the hamster started running on that wheel. 


Have I mistaken her dislike for me for the past year and a half?  Did I imagine her walking right past me and staring right through me when she used to say good morning to me? 


No.


And even if I did? 


This person is not my friend. 


I do not owe this person anything.  Not any thing. 


I never did things with this person on my personal time.  I know through personal experience what her sister thinks of me - that was made crystal clear.  I have heard through at least 2 people what this woman's mom thinks of me - and I DID have very personal relationships with her sister and mom - for years and years and years.  Over 20 years they were my second home/my second family. 


And what?  I'm to think this woman standing next to me looking so indignant was my champion, my lone supporter in her family's opinion of me?  pfft.   Riiiiigggghhhhhhtttt.  She hasn't talked to me for ages. 


Let her be as offended as she wants to be that I didn't acknowledge her existence.  She said good morning in the snottiest way possible - I said good morning back to her.  shrug. 


Let her go forth and tell her family how different I am and what a bitch I am. 


Don't care.  Don't.  Fucking.  Care.


And then my hamster stopped running cuz my thoughts made sense to me, I felt grounded and strong and remembered all the people in CA that LIKED me and enjoyed my company - I smiled to myself remembering them - seeing their smiling faces -  and I did my workout and focused on my movement, my ability, my weights and hello endorphins. 


It didn't crush me to see this woman who at one point meant something - an attachment with a family that is no longer mine.  It didn't make me feel sick to my stomach, didn't make me have any sort of panic attack, didn't make me shaky, didn't make me overly angry.... I simply went about my day. 


So yeah.  Victory. 

A Break...

I really like leaving Ft. Collins these days... I know I won't run into anyone that knew me when I was married.  No averted eyes, no avoiding at all costs, no hearing about the nasty things people say...


It's a nice mental break in not prepping myself for the worst all the time. "Stare at the ground when you are at Country House... don't look to see who is driving past... stare straight ahead when you go into the women's locker room at the gym..."  Planning my game face and my "ok - if you see X, just smile politely and say good morning - don't let it get to you, you are ok." 


I got a group text right before I left town from someone inviting me to their daughters graduation - I don't know the other numbers it was sent to.... but a couple of the replies were from the leaders at the barn I've been ousted from. 


EWWWW EWWWW EWWWW


No WAY would I ever attend a party any of those people would be attending.  I would NEVER put myself in that situation again...  to be actively shunned to my face?  No thanks. I politely declined and wished all the best to the graduate.


When I travel?  I can just go into the world when I'm travelling.  No planning required.  I can look into people's faces and smile and they smile back I can go to dinner with people from class and they act normal, talk to me, converse.  It's refreshing.


I stopped at the gym, Redefining Strength, before I left.  The woman who has been my personal trainer online owns and runs it.  I was able to meet her for the first time... so much fun.  I worked out with a group of people, shot the shit, called shit on people, laughed, joked.  People LIKED me.  Made me remember that I AM a like-able person.  I am funny and I am kind and I am encouraging and I am a really nice person. 


Reminds me of a quote I posted on FB - something about how not believing you are worth relationships/caring/love would be like not believing a light could shine through a broken window... I've been believing the brain bugs lately.   


I worked out - watched the next class - we all went to dinner... sat until we closed the place, talking, joking, laughing... I felt part of the group.  I had people laughing - they had me laughing.


I could so see myself there.  Building relationships! Having friends again!  I know I see all the old fellas at my gym.. and they are wonderful.  Truly they are.  However, I don't hang with them outside the gym and we don't work out together... we don't laugh and have girl talk and say vagina during dinner... something about that camaraderie...


I'm home - horrible period cramps, ugh - it is gray and cloudy and cold... Toe and Puppy Briar were happy to see me.  Kittehs were happy to see me.  Boyfriend is glad I'm home... it should be enough. 


I finished reading Brene Brown.... I read some things online about divorce and needing to close the doors on what your life was so you can open doors into the new.  Stop hiding from the world.  (so it's not just me!)  I'm trying.  Think that dinner and the invite before I left helped me with that - shut those doors.  Need to move onward and outward.  Find new relationships and friends.


Look outward and no longer backward. 


Easier said than done... however... one of these days it will be reality....

The Dinner

Sucked ass.


I got there and immediately wanted to cry and say I can't do this and leave.  I mean where WERE they for the past year and a half? 


And they acted like nothing wrong - only everything they spoke of hit home that I am so not part of that world any more.  They talked about Barb's sister, Sharon, and I thought I will never be invited to another Christmas Eve party.  They talked about Shirl and I thought and the next time I see Shirl will she avoid me at all costs like Pat did?  I only saw those mutual friends at BBQs they hosted - or if I ran into them in town by chance.   I am quite sure I won't be invited to any BBQs... and now when I run into people from when I was married I figure there is a 70/30 chance they will avoid me at all costs or not care and still say hello to me. 


I got thru the dinner.  Certainly won't do that to myself again.  You can't go back.  Anything from that part of my life is GONE.  OVER.  FINI.  And I guess I'm not even sure why they invited me over after that long anyway?  shrug. 


Went to Washington's Bar after - it is a local establishment where I met Boyfriend back in my 20s - and it closed April 30.  Saw people there who knew me in my 20s... before everything.  They don't care.  No one gave a fucking rats ass.  They just saw me.  Was really NICE especially after that heinous dinner. 


Saw my therapist... man.  Will be nice when all this stuff just doesn't hit me so hard all the time.  I did it to myself this time.... but at least I learned that you can't go back.  Ever.  And I won't put myself in that situation ever again. 


Then I got sick - oh man - so freaking sick.  Felt like a mack truck hit me and was laid up for a week.  Probably not a coincidence.  Think your body has ways of making you rest and rejuvenate and curl up into your little foxhole when you truly truly need it. 


Maybe every setback I have will bring me that much closer to being done and over with it all.  One can only hope. 


Met up with one of my close girlfriends in Denver this week - was just great to spend time with someone that sees me with kindness and love and no judgment.  So refreshing and so good for the soul.  Had dinner with Tom and Laurie... and again... just so refreshing. 


I don't have many friends any more but boy - the ones I do have?  I really really need them. 


Also - therapist says I need to tap into my righteous indignation/anger more.  Cuz - yeah I didn't do a fucking thing to anyone.  I didn't talk shit about anyone.  I didn't do anything to them and they made up whatever horrible stories they made up about me knowing only 5-10% of the story - if that.  They are not the people I would want in my life any more anyway...


Feels like all these people I knew and liked who turned on me or dropped me because of the divorce?  ... they were monsters... facades... lies...

Eye Opening...

I've been riding - no goals - but that is ok.  My butt is in the saddle... I am enjoying my horse.  And do I NEED goals for riding?  shrug.  I dunno.  I didn't when I was a kid and just liked riding... so that is where I'm at. 


Re-reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly.  EYE FREAKING OPENING.  I read it 8 yrs ago when my sister was preggers.  I wasn't expecting it to resonate so much and it was kind of jaw dropping... for a lot of reasons.  It described what happened between Dave and I to a T and I was like wtf?  Seriously?  I'm reading this in a book???  It's not just me?  Always felt it was me, something wrong with me....  Disengagement and sliding door moments... to a freaking T. 


Was invited to dinner from neighbors I once considered very dear and close.  Once Dave and I split, they dropped me like a hot potato.  Didn't return my calls for months... I left my last message telling them I understood and wouldn't call them any more.  Now 1.5 yrs later....


Sigh. 


I fought with that a while - do I go? 


I don't think they actively disliked me or trashed me like the barn folk did and still do.  I think they felt they needed to circle wagons around Dave and I was not to be included for whatever reason. 


So ... I decided to put my big girl pants on, set aside ego and go. 


I'm not looking forward to it.  It will be awkward and I don't trust them enough to ever be close to them again.  A year and a half and NOW they miss me???  I am trying to set my intentions - like in yoga - to choose kindness and choose grace over sarcasm and bitterness.  And I trust it will peter out since I won't be initiating anything with them any more... if they got used to not having me around, I'm sure it will be just as easy to let me drop off the map again. 


I won't be super happy or relaxed and all smiles like in the past when there was that comfort level of good friends and when trust was abundant.  So they will think I've changed.  And so I have.  And so have they. 


Why am I going?  To prove that I can.  Because I will probably need to interact with them at some point over the irrigation in the neighborhood and setting negativity aside will make those interactions better - easier.


Saw one of the barn people - the woman I once wished was my mom - at a local restaurant in a window this past weekend.  OH - I so wanted to walk up to the window, pound on it and be all happy smiles and cheerful waves....


Smart assery and sarcasm .... I didn't follow through... tho in my mind I was imagining it and laughing... sure would have given that table something to discuss a while.  grin. 


Good news is I didn't care.  I saw her - acknowledged she used to be of great importance at one point and for a long time - and now?  A person I would rather not spend any energy, time or effort on.  No feelings of sadness or bitterness. 


Moving onward. 

YAWN

So tired today.  Played too hard this weekend...


I went cross country skiing for about 2 hrs Saturday morning.  I haven't been since I was 16 or 17 and lived in Brook Forest up in BFE Evergreen, CO with my Mom and Stepdad.  We used to ski behind our house in the National Forest. 


It was scary to have skis on my feet again!  Know my muscles were super tense and I was working way too hard... started to get the feel and relax and had fun.  A lot of work tho... my clothes were soaked with sweat after. 


And Sunday went downhill skiing... have not done that since I was maybe 26?  20 years.  Again... scared to have skis on my feet... a different kind of ski... used the very wee baby hill a few times to get used to things.  Man... I wasn't even sure how to turn on those things my first run... and then the 2nd run my body just remembered.  How cool is that?  How your body holds on to things like that... went down a couple more times and then went up the lift.  Stayed on the green runs... felt overwhelmed a couple times and tired muscles but overall very very fun. 


Also learning telemark skiing.  Was 'kindof' getting it... and had to stop to go hike up this hill a few miles to get to a yurt where they served lunch.  WAY COOL. 


But man... I am TIRED today.  And was tired yesterday...


Thank goodness this week is de-load week for gym workouts.... need the extra stretching, activation and slow/quiet movement.


Sort of looking forward to daylight savings this weekend.  NOT looking forward to getting up earlier with the time change... however, looking forward to more light at the end of my day.  Really hoping to get in more horse time... devote a day or two in the week to Sera just like I would any other class or obligation.  Trying to get my motivation back...find something that clicks... make some other horse friends... messing around with a Western saddle and riding... maybe fiddle around with a rope... the next Annie Oakley most certainly not... but maybe tow some things behind and invite my nieces and nephews up next winter for some horse pulled sledding... I don't know. 


Floundering in this realm right now.

Co-Workers

My new co-workers make me laugh. 


And they appreciate, encourage and participate in the inappropriate gutter humor I can't seem to get enough of. 


I love that about them.

Health Insurance

Got a call from my HR department about health insurance and how I have self + family and I could save $$ if I went with self + 1.  Well - I started poking around to fill out the form to change it.  Dave and I agreed that he'd stay on my insurance for a bit because the ins at his job is way more spendy but I found out that is a huge NO NO and can be construed as health insurance fraud.


Well shit.


Felt sick about it.  Called my insurance to make sure.  Yes.  They will backdate all my health insurance to the date the divorce was made final and I don't remember if I will be charged or Dave would be charged with the part insurance covered for any Dr visits he made between then and now.  And you know that shit isn't cheap. 


Of course I let him know immediately.  Then I had to get out of the office... go for a walk.  Was on the verge of tears - and I'm not really sure why?  Always think things are done and something comes back up that makes it hard.  Already bad enough I left and now I'm taking another thing away that was helpful.... granted, not of my will, but still... another thing I've done to him.


And sometimes when these things hit me?  I wonder if I'm having a panic attack cuz I literally cannot breathe...so hard to get air in...  I left the office and took deep gulps of air outside... MAKING myself breathe.  In thru the nose, out thru the mouth... you can breathe.  You've been doing it since you were a baby... just fucking BREATHE.


And I walked... and being outdoors, smelling the melty snow and wet earth... listening to the birds... hearing the nails of a jogger's dog behind me... train whistle... moving my body... focused on breathing...


It helped clear my mind and calm me down.  Nothing is different than it was yesterday other than $$.  It will be fine.  Let it go. 


Good things to look forward to?  Denver dog show this Saturday... possibly stopping to watch an Olympic Weightlifting Meet somewhere in Denver... taxes on Sunday - OK - not looking forward to THAT, but will be nice to have it over with.  And the weather is in the 50s and supposed to stay that way... and that is nice...feeling the sun on your face after a long winter?  Nothing can compare. 

Family

Was thinking about how different the Barn People are from my Mom....


In my 20's I sorta wanted THEM to be my family.  Wished their mom was my mom and how I worked so hard to be accepted into their family all thru my 20s.  Only once I got older... I noticed some things.  It worked for them and I shrugged it off because we all have strange family quirks.


I began thinking about that though and decided I was much happier with MY mom being MY mom.  No longer wished for someone else in that capacity. 


And it makes me think about my mom - she is not very "there" because she is struggling with some dementia issues at her very young age - mid 60s.  And oh you have no idea how much I have missed her through all this stuff.  When it has counted, she sort of shines thru and says something that I know she would have said were her thoughts clear and it gives me a lot of comfort.


I think about how gracious my mom was and how much she'd been thru with our family history... so long ago and how incredibly hard that had to have been...and how she turned that into being SO involved in running womens shelters and safe-houses.  She was so involved with domestic violence... turning all that darkness in her life into help for others....

I remember her telling me about a co-worker who was seeing a person that was in a program she ran for so long.  It was for young first time offenders...these kids had to come in and see her employees... and one of her employees saw this girl who was young, had a kid... something about how her car was broken down and my Mom's employee gave this girl a lecture about saving $$ and it was her fault,  being condescending... and my mom went out after and paid for a tow truck and helped her secure a ride home and said sometimes people needed understanding rather than lecturing and life was hard enough...

There are other things like that I remember about her... she is gone now mostly...and it is so different than the people in my life who turned on me... those people were often running people down and so much more angry... and yes, I know they have been through struggles too - we ALL have... and I know that was hard..... it's just very interesting how people decide to be. 


We all get to choose how we want to be - WHO we want to be... really really going to work on not being small and petty... I don't think I am in general.  Though I know we are human and it's our nature...but I don't ever need to be hurtful to people.  It's easy to join in and "bond" or feel included over the gossip of someone else... it's not right tho' and it doesn't feel good when it's you they are gossiping about and they will eventually.  It's harmful and when it's all over, it doesn't ever present you in a very good light and has never made me feel good.  You can think things all you want... it's just when you open your mouth and give voice to them when it's not helpful or when you just want to be mean or right or superior or whatever... that is when it's shitty.   





Thinking lately and HOPING that I'm mostly over them.  Glad they are not in my life anymore as I'd rather surround myself with people who are looking at more, bigger things vs. the small, nasty, gossipy things.  I'm sad I had them in my life for so long and sucked up for so long and thought it was so important for them to like me and do things so I would not be on their gossip list.


Standing stronger and seeing more clearly. 

Universe throwin' me a bone...

GRIN.


Had the best day yesterday.  Breakfast with one of the fellas from the gym... Don.  I am so in with the 65 and older crowd and I just love them.  They cheer me up every time I see them and we all say good morning and they have no idea how much they brightened my days this past year.


Don was such a gentleman, so smart, such a great conversationalist, great stories... and I feel really happy to start to get to know him.  He and Bob (also from the gym) go fly fishing and he said they would teach me and we can go to Red Feather Lakes this summer to fish for trout in belly boats.  Sounds good to me.


Got to work and we've hired so many new people.  There are two that I just jive with... Vicki and Garrentt... they are married and young - early 30s - and a total kick in the pants.  Garrentt has a squat rack, a barbell and weight plates to sell me... SCORE.


After work, met with a great friend, Kelley, for dinner at 415 - a restaurant I adore in town (goat cheese, beet salad with swordfish skewers and mixed veggies with a side o' spaghetti squash).  After dinner we headed to the local performing arts place to see Bela Fleck and Abigail Washburn. 


SO AMAZING.  Bela Fleck if you don't know (and I actually didn't) is a bluegrass banjo guy... not just any bluegrass banjo guy - he's been nominated for something like 15 Grammy Awards and Abigail is his wife - also an incredible banjo musician, has the most gorgeous voice, she speaks fluent Chinese - and sang a bluegrass song in Chinese.. wha? How freaking cool!  And if that weren't enough she began clogging at one point.  She is fabulous and they put a huge grin on your face to see such talent.


A lot of me wants to hole up and just keep to myself given the experiences this past year... but boy... that really isn't me.  I like having friends. 


Was just a really great day from start to finish.  The universe telling me it's all gonna be jussst fine.  (which I KNOW, I do - I totally KNOW this... but it's nice to have a super day to back up that knowledge)

It all goes back to your history

I'm working from home and listening to a Nia Shanks podcast with Tony Gentilcore.  They are both fitness industry peeps that know what they are talking about and they do really good things.  They both have blogs and facebook pages that have great stuff...


They are talking about Tony going to therapy and how it helped him.  How there is still stigma associated with it.


I agree with that and I think that EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. on this planet could benefit from therapy.  I just do.  An objective look at your reactions and why you say the shit you say to yourself and why you react the way you do.


A big reason I struggle so much with The Barn People rejecting me and The Neighbors I Thought Were My Best Friends abandoning me... is cuz of my past.  All the shit going down now has hit my major buttons of alarm/distress/panic. 


It's really amazing how that stuff always comes back up.  Forces you to work thru it from all kinds of angles. 


In Nancy Verrier's book, The Primal Wound, she talks about when children are given up for adoption, and the mental ramifications of a mother giving up her child for that child as they grow.  I was not given up for adoption so there are many issues I don't deal with, however, my Mom left my sister and I at a very, very young age for a lot of reasons - none of which I can fault her for and it's a long story.... however, one of the biggest messages I took away from that as a kid is that "you are easy to leave - you don't matter". 


Pair that with growing up in a verbally abusive home with my Dad who was awarded custody... a man who grew up in a household of physical and sexual abuse himself.  And in the 70s therapy was even more stigmatized and he never got help.  He didn't know anything else.  The messages I received often and for years via screaming, pushing, shoving, hitting... were that I was no good and that is putting it lightly... heh.


I'm not telling you this for any sort of pity.  And I'm so not sad right now.  I'm in a good head space.  It is just what I know and omg my life is great and yeah, I had shit to work thru to create the life I wanted and for life be great... we ALL have shit to work thru.  We ALL have a story.  I certainly had it way better than many and shrug, maybe worse than many others.  That isn't the point.  The point is:


A divorce happens where I not only lose the person I was closest to for 17 years... but then what I thought were my support systems....people that had been so close to me for umpteen years......and they drop me like a nasty, oozing, highly contagious venereal disease... then proceed to shit talk me to death?


Hello buttons!  My old friends!  How much fun are you!?  Welcome back - here - lets give you a comfy little cot right over here in my head so you can stay a while!  Let's see juuuuust how much you can fester!  Wheeee!


I have had enough therapy in my life to recognize these are triggers.  And I know enough to check in with a therapist when I need to... she's given me good tools to combat that shit.  And I use this blog to get the stuff in my head out...it's cathartic.


However, listening to the podcast today - and those two talking about therapy and ... I wanted to just.... I don't know - therapy is amazing. 


When you are struggling you should go because it will help you immensely.  No one has to know... just go. 


When you break you leg, you go to a doctor. 


When your heart is broken and your mind is telling you a bunch of bullshit about yourself... go see a therapist. 


They will give you ways to mend your heart, let you know how you react in situations is so completely normal and they help you machete thru all the bullshit to find your new path.

Bees and Laughing

Hit up a beekeeping workshop this weekend.  It was so cool!  Held at the Butterfly Pavillion in Denver.  There are 4 more and they cover everything you need to know for beekeeping... hive set up, honey extraction, winterizing the hive...


Once it was over we called a honey place in Ft. Collins and bought a nuc of bees that will be ready for pick up the last week in April.  Nuc is like the nucleus of a hive... it's got bees already forming honeycomb, with an established queen and workers... they are Italian bees cuz those are most docile and easiest for beginners to deal with. 


Now we figure out how we want the hive and where we want it.  And now I am wondering how one picks up bees in their car?  Sure, I shove goats into my car with no hesitation, but goats don't sting.  heh.


Also ran to Country House to clean goat pens and visit my horse... remember the crazy neighbor I've talked about here?  She has been so freaking amazing thru all this turmoil.  She saw me and came over to talk while I was doing all the other stuff... she makes me laugh and everything is put into perspective.  She gets me out of my head.


I hate how much all that shit and negativity gets into my head.  I can't wait until I'm on the other side and none of that nasty stuff bugs me any more.  It bugs me less and less... but man, sometimes it roils around inside my brain - hello PMS.  And you figure that is normal - given those people were a large part of my life for 15+ years. 

Change

grin.  More views with the drama than when life was pre-divorce.

More thoughts.   

I know there are folks who think I am so different, lost my mind, have dropped everything for a boy.  Heh.  None of that is my truth.  At all.

When I discovered my horse outlet was gone...and went to the "dreaded pool party" where I truly experienced the full on WE DONT LIKE YOU ANYMORE.  YOU ARE NOT WELCOME AND NO LONGER ONE OF US.  Shrug.  What does a person do?  I'm not groveling to anyone because I have not done anything that caused harm to them.  If they choose to make my situation and take my relationship with Dave and how that has changed and make it personal?   I can't be responsible for that.  I am responsible for me.  I am responsible for my life, my interactions with Dave, my decisions about my house, property, animals...and no one else's.  

And I would counter that people act differently in response to actions.

You have a dog...you are happy to see that dog, smiles, kind words, happiness.  That dog returns the affection.  One day you decide you don't like the dog.  You have a hard face, angry eyes, stiff aggressive body language, loud, angry words.  The dog responds in kind....he avoids you.  He is worried and fretful when you walk in the room.  is the dog really that different or is the dog responding to actions against him?

Why would I want people like that in my life?  And how does all that hateful behavior ever invite reconciliation, understanding, trust?   My trust in them is forever gone.  I would never feel comfortable sharing any facet of my life with any of them other than a hello, how are you, nice weather we're having.  Grin.  Not that any of them would say even that much to me.  

And after 15 years of your life being one way...and now it is ... Wow, 180 degrees different?  Well, I think you will struggle to find where you fit and how to move forward.  Things are so different on so many levels.  I think that is normal.  

I had been told for years and years that Dressage was hard and expensive and if you weren't having fun, why do it?  Um.  Yeah.  I'm not having fun any more.  And I am not willing to put myself on the firing line to continue with it.  Most of the awesomeness about it was being part of that group.  Belonging.  The "we are all in it together"... Which was true until my divorce.  I'm not part of that any more.   

And I AM struggling to find a new way to enjoy my mare....but there are lots of things to learn and discover....lots of horse sports.  And I'm fine with that.  I think when you life as you knew it is blown to bits?  You see there are many options.  You HAVE to find other options in response to changes.  So yeah....I'm struggling but I will find a way.  

And the merry go round keeps going round and round....

Life is good. 


I have a really great job.  My co-workers are great.  I love living in Colorado.... I'm starting my dog on bird dog hunting and am completely geeked over that.  Have always wanted a bird dog and to go hunting...


My gym workouts are going well - hit a personal best of 52.5 Turkish Get Up today.  And I have been befriended by a few older men at my gym.  I'm so in with the 65 and older crowd.  They absolutely make my day every time I see them when I go to the gym.  They are fit, strong and they are an inspiration.  I am so thankful for them, I got them all small gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop at Christmas.  They made a really difficult year not as difficult.


I have great, supportive friends in my life.  I had lunch with a friend yesterday.  I have plans with another friend Wednesday.  And more plans for a girls day with more friends later in Feb.  My weekends are busy with fun things. 


I have a boyfriend and we are having a lot of fun together.  My first Christmas with his family this year and they made me feel so incredibly welcome and included.  It was so touching after having been rejected by many that for days afterward it brought me to tears.  And Christmas with my family was really nice as well... my little niece asking if I could come every Christmas Eve to decorate cookies and could we make it a tradition?  Tugged at my heart strings.


Life is good. 


And while it's good, there are still dark spots.  Running into someone you haven't seen in forever and when you used to run into them there were smiles and friendly hellos and chatting about stuff in general... and now?  They look at you and scurry by as fast as they can without saying a word.   Cuz now I am THAT person.  The one to avoid.  I'm on the "bad people" list.


Or going to lunch with a friend and they tell you that they mentioned your name to someone that you've known since you were 18 and was such a big part of your life... and that person is quick to shred you to pieces, running your name through the mud.  Trashing you thoroughly and completely. 


It's unsettling.  It's shocking.  It's disturbing that people can have that much dislike, anger and nastiness directed at you.  And it makes you so incredibly paranoid.  Oh my God, so paranoid. 


If anyone has stood on their own in the midst of a group attacking... you will know what I mean.  You begin to question everything. 




I remember pre-divorce friends (no longer friends post-divorce) several years ago talking about a couple they knew who broke up.  And maybe a year after the break-up, the one everyone had decided was the "bad one" killed herself. 


Being the "bad one" now .. I can understand that.  This previously mentioned woman had some mental issues that worked against her.  However, when your entire life is turned upsidedown from the loss of a long term relationship, and the friends, support systems, and extra curricular activities you once did are gone and those people now hate you?


Yeah.  I can see how someone would think their world and their life was completely meaningless and worthless and it would be easier to end it. 


Fortunately, I have a lot of friends that didn't pass judgement on my decisions or choices; they still enjoy my company and value my friendship.  I have other areas I can turn to in my life for extra curricular things and for hobbies... I can view this as an opportunity to really discover what I want to do and how I want to live my life.  I have so much to live for. 


I could choose to see it all as an ending, however, I'm trying hard to see it as a beginning, ignore the nastiness - choose gratitude and love -  and see that I can choose to live any way I want to.  The world can be my oyster...


It's not easy some days.  Hard to get out of your head and ignore the paranoia and stop the bad tape loops that run thru your mind when confronted with so much hatred...telling you "You are worthless".  "You are meaningless".  "You are bad".


I am choosing love and gratitude and trying to find the light in the dark.  There IS light.  There is much to be thankful for.


Life is good.