The Dinner

Sucked ass.


I got there and immediately wanted to cry and say I can't do this and leave.  I mean where WERE they for the past year and a half? 


And they acted like nothing wrong - only everything they spoke of hit home that I am so not part of that world any more.  They talked about Barb's sister, Sharon, and I thought I will never be invited to another Christmas Eve party.  They talked about Shirl and I thought and the next time I see Shirl will she avoid me at all costs like Pat did?  I only saw those mutual friends at BBQs they hosted - or if I ran into them in town by chance.   I am quite sure I won't be invited to any BBQs... and now when I run into people from when I was married I figure there is a 70/30 chance they will avoid me at all costs or not care and still say hello to me. 


I got thru the dinner.  Certainly won't do that to myself again.  You can't go back.  Anything from that part of my life is GONE.  OVER.  FINI.  And I guess I'm not even sure why they invited me over after that long anyway?  shrug. 


Went to Washington's Bar after - it is a local establishment where I met Boyfriend back in my 20s - and it closed April 30.  Saw people there who knew me in my 20s... before everything.  They don't care.  No one gave a fucking rats ass.  They just saw me.  Was really NICE especially after that heinous dinner. 


Saw my therapist... man.  Will be nice when all this stuff just doesn't hit me so hard all the time.  I did it to myself this time.... but at least I learned that you can't go back.  Ever.  And I won't put myself in that situation ever again. 


Then I got sick - oh man - so freaking sick.  Felt like a mack truck hit me and was laid up for a week.  Probably not a coincidence.  Think your body has ways of making you rest and rejuvenate and curl up into your little foxhole when you truly truly need it. 


Maybe every setback I have will bring me that much closer to being done and over with it all.  One can only hope. 


Met up with one of my close girlfriends in Denver this week - was just great to spend time with someone that sees me with kindness and love and no judgment.  So refreshing and so good for the soul.  Had dinner with Tom and Laurie... and again... just so refreshing. 


I don't have many friends any more but boy - the ones I do have?  I really really need them. 


Also - therapist says I need to tap into my righteous indignation/anger more.  Cuz - yeah I didn't do a fucking thing to anyone.  I didn't talk shit about anyone.  I didn't do anything to them and they made up whatever horrible stories they made up about me knowing only 5-10% of the story - if that.  They are not the people I would want in my life any more anyway...


Feels like all these people I knew and liked who turned on me or dropped me because of the divorce?  ... they were monsters... facades... lies...