Change

grin.  More views with the drama than when life was pre-divorce.

More thoughts.   

I know there are folks who think I am so different, lost my mind, have dropped everything for a boy.  Heh.  None of that is my truth.  At all.

When I discovered my horse outlet was gone...and went to the "dreaded pool party" where I truly experienced the full on WE DONT LIKE YOU ANYMORE.  YOU ARE NOT WELCOME AND NO LONGER ONE OF US.  Shrug.  What does a person do?  I'm not groveling to anyone because I have not done anything that caused harm to them.  If they choose to make my situation and take my relationship with Dave and how that has changed and make it personal?   I can't be responsible for that.  I am responsible for me.  I am responsible for my life, my interactions with Dave, my decisions about my house, property, animals...and no one else's.  

And I would counter that people act differently in response to actions.

You have a dog...you are happy to see that dog, smiles, kind words, happiness.  That dog returns the affection.  One day you decide you don't like the dog.  You have a hard face, angry eyes, stiff aggressive body language, loud, angry words.  The dog responds in kind....he avoids you.  He is worried and fretful when you walk in the room.  is the dog really that different or is the dog responding to actions against him?

Why would I want people like that in my life?  And how does all that hateful behavior ever invite reconciliation, understanding, trust?   My trust in them is forever gone.  I would never feel comfortable sharing any facet of my life with any of them other than a hello, how are you, nice weather we're having.  Grin.  Not that any of them would say even that much to me.  

And after 15 years of your life being one way...and now it is ... Wow, 180 degrees different?  Well, I think you will struggle to find where you fit and how to move forward.  Things are so different on so many levels.  I think that is normal.  

I had been told for years and years that Dressage was hard and expensive and if you weren't having fun, why do it?  Um.  Yeah.  I'm not having fun any more.  And I am not willing to put myself on the firing line to continue with it.  Most of the awesomeness about it was being part of that group.  Belonging.  The "we are all in it together"... Which was true until my divorce.  I'm not part of that any more.   

And I AM struggling to find a new way to enjoy my mare....but there are lots of things to learn and discover....lots of horse sports.  And I'm fine with that.  I think when you life as you knew it is blown to bits?  You see there are many options.  You HAVE to find other options in response to changes.  So yeah....I'm struggling but I will find a way.