Change

grin.  More views with the drama than when life was pre-divorce.

More thoughts.   

I know there are folks who think I am so different, lost my mind, have dropped everything for a boy.  Heh.  None of that is my truth.  At all.

When I discovered my horse outlet was gone...and went to the "dreaded pool party" where I truly experienced the full on WE DONT LIKE YOU ANYMORE.  YOU ARE NOT WELCOME AND NO LONGER ONE OF US.  Shrug.  What does a person do?  I'm not groveling to anyone because I have not done anything that caused harm to them.  If they choose to make my situation and take my relationship with Dave and how that has changed and make it personal?   I can't be responsible for that.  I am responsible for me.  I am responsible for my life, my interactions with Dave, my decisions about my house, property, animals...and no one else's.  

And I would counter that people act differently in response to actions.

You have a dog...you are happy to see that dog, smiles, kind words, happiness.  That dog returns the affection.  One day you decide you don't like the dog.  You have a hard face, angry eyes, stiff aggressive body language, loud, angry words.  The dog responds in kind....he avoids you.  He is worried and fretful when you walk in the room.  is the dog really that different or is the dog responding to actions against him?

Why would I want people like that in my life?  And how does all that hateful behavior ever invite reconciliation, understanding, trust?   My trust in them is forever gone.  I would never feel comfortable sharing any facet of my life with any of them other than a hello, how are you, nice weather we're having.  Grin.  Not that any of them would say even that much to me.  

And after 15 years of your life being one way...and now it is ... Wow, 180 degrees different?  Well, I think you will struggle to find where you fit and how to move forward.  Things are so different on so many levels.  I think that is normal.  

I had been told for years and years that Dressage was hard and expensive and if you weren't having fun, why do it?  Um.  Yeah.  I'm not having fun any more.  And I am not willing to put myself on the firing line to continue with it.  Most of the awesomeness about it was being part of that group.  Belonging.  The "we are all in it together"... Which was true until my divorce.  I'm not part of that any more.   

And I AM struggling to find a new way to enjoy my mare....but there are lots of things to learn and discover....lots of horse sports.  And I'm fine with that.  I think when you life as you knew it is blown to bits?  You see there are many options.  You HAVE to find other options in response to changes.  So yeah....I'm struggling but I will find a way.  

And the merry go round keeps going round and round....

Life is good. 


I have a really great job.  My co-workers are great.  I love living in Colorado.... I'm starting my dog on bird dog hunting and am completely geeked over that.  Have always wanted a bird dog and to go hunting...


My gym workouts are going well - hit a personal best of 52.5 Turkish Get Up today.  And I have been befriended by a few older men at my gym.  I'm so in with the 65 and older crowd.  They absolutely make my day every time I see them when I go to the gym.  They are fit, strong and they are an inspiration.  I am so thankful for them, I got them all small gift certificates to my favorite coffee shop at Christmas.  They made a really difficult year not as difficult.


I have great, supportive friends in my life.  I had lunch with a friend yesterday.  I have plans with another friend Wednesday.  And more plans for a girls day with more friends later in Feb.  My weekends are busy with fun things. 


I have a boyfriend and we are having a lot of fun together.  My first Christmas with his family this year and they made me feel so incredibly welcome and included.  It was so touching after having been rejected by many that for days afterward it brought me to tears.  And Christmas with my family was really nice as well... my little niece asking if I could come every Christmas Eve to decorate cookies and could we make it a tradition?  Tugged at my heart strings.


Life is good. 


And while it's good, there are still dark spots.  Running into someone you haven't seen in forever and when you used to run into them there were smiles and friendly hellos and chatting about stuff in general... and now?  They look at you and scurry by as fast as they can without saying a word.   Cuz now I am THAT person.  The one to avoid.  I'm on the "bad people" list.


Or going to lunch with a friend and they tell you that they mentioned your name to someone that you've known since you were 18 and was such a big part of your life... and that person is quick to shred you to pieces, running your name through the mud.  Trashing you thoroughly and completely. 


It's unsettling.  It's shocking.  It's disturbing that people can have that much dislike, anger and nastiness directed at you.  And it makes you so incredibly paranoid.  Oh my God, so paranoid. 


If anyone has stood on their own in the midst of a group attacking... you will know what I mean.  You begin to question everything. 




I remember pre-divorce friends (no longer friends post-divorce) several years ago talking about a couple they knew who broke up.  And maybe a year after the break-up, the one everyone had decided was the "bad one" killed herself. 


Being the "bad one" now .. I can understand that.  This previously mentioned woman had some mental issues that worked against her.  However, when your entire life is turned upsidedown from the loss of a long term relationship, and the friends, support systems, and extra curricular activities you once did are gone and those people now hate you?


Yeah.  I can see how someone would think their world and their life was completely meaningless and worthless and it would be easier to end it. 


Fortunately, I have a lot of friends that didn't pass judgement on my decisions or choices; they still enjoy my company and value my friendship.  I have other areas I can turn to in my life for extra curricular things and for hobbies... I can view this as an opportunity to really discover what I want to do and how I want to live my life.  I have so much to live for. 


I could choose to see it all as an ending, however, I'm trying hard to see it as a beginning, ignore the nastiness - choose gratitude and love -  and see that I can choose to live any way I want to.  The world can be my oyster...


It's not easy some days.  Hard to get out of your head and ignore the paranoia and stop the bad tape loops that run thru your mind when confronted with so much hatred...telling you "You are worthless".  "You are meaningless".  "You are bad".


I am choosing love and gratitude and trying to find the light in the dark.  There IS light.  There is much to be thankful for.


Life is good.