Tree Killin' and "cremains"

Gawd this week has been long.

Mostly because my Dad was moved to Western NE and his Medicaid case was moved to Sidney NE and is now with a complete, heinous, bitch cow case worker named Bernice. Bernice is requesting paperwork from 2005 amoung a gazillion other over the top ppwk requests and is not at all helpful and has stopped Dad's medicaid.

This is what I think Bernice-bitch-cow must look like

Lucky for me, a very NICE woman from the nursing home is helping me with Bernice-bitch-cow's requests. Dad had a dividend paid out of his retirement account that is over the $4,000.00 limit for medicaid. I have to spend this down by May 15 for him to be eligible. Well turns out that he has some burial plot at Hillcrest Funeral Home in Omaha.

I didn't know this but somehow Bernice-bitch-cow ferreted out this information with the single minded determination of a state employee. (yeah, yeah, I'm a Fed, don't remind me)

But all his papers indicate he wanted to be cremated... so doesn't make too much sense to have a burial plot. Sort of "overkill" - pardon the pun.

I'm working with a guy named Dan to transfer this over into a cremation.

First of all Dan keeps calling Dad's final resting place "Dad's new home" - you know, like a gerbil from a pet store. He'll be DEAD for chrissakes... what will he care WHERE his new home is? Anyway, Dan wanted me to put Dad's "cremains".... yeah, not remains but CRE-mains... in this boulder in this beautiful garden and me being a rocky mountain girl I could really appreciate the beauty of such a thing. It is really peaceful and beautiful for all eternity. But you know, I'm thinking of the cyclone in Myanmar and midwestern tornadoes and global warming... how can it REALLY be eternity?




Dad raised me to be nothing if not practical. I opted for the "niche" which is $2K less than the boulder. That way Dad still has $2K left in an IRA for any emergency that might crop up. It can generate interest and if need be, spent down on things for Dad while he's still part of the living.

Dan sounded very disappointed in my choice of niche vs. boulder. He said the niche was in what he liked to call the "heavenly" section, way up high - or nosebleed area. I guess if anyone goes to visit Dad's CREmains, they will need a chiropractic adjustment from looking up that far. Do they have a laser light pointer so you can point out where exactly he is? Dunno, not my problem.

Anyway - I call the NICE woman to tell her I can spend down the money this way and I guess Bernice-bitch-cow is difficult to anyone and everyone. Bernice-bitch-cow told NICE lady that a cremation should ONLY BE $3000 and would not tell NICE lady how much could actually be set aside for burial according to medicaid regulations. Evidently Bernice-bitch-cow has a bit of a power trip and thinks everyone should fit into her $3,000 plan.

I told NICE lady that I'd be happy to send Bernice-bitch-cow Dad's CREmains to save shipping/storing to cut costs. I'm serious. I'd totally let Dad go live with Bernice-bitch-cow. I might have to find her address.... You cannot know how much I truly hate Bernice-bitch-cow right now. I hope she finds herself in dire straights with no one to help other than someone exactly like herself.


Now for the funny part. Dan is SO disappointed that I'm not opting for the boulder (which Bernice-bitch-cow would not allow anyway, so good thing Dad raised a practical daughter cuz I'd be nursin' some big disapointment right about now the way Dan was talkin' this boulder in a beautiful garden for all eternity up)... well Dan was SO disapointed I didn't choose the boulder, that he is going to send me pictures of the boulder and a price plan for two people to go INTO the boulder because "wouldn't it be NEAT if you and your husband could be placed in this boulder and you could set the boulder somewhere on your acreage - under a tree somewhere?"

Riiigggghhhht.


We live on 5 acres. We have neighbors. Even if we live here til we die, WHO in their right mind would want Furry Husband and my CREmains in the pasture in a boulder?

"oh, honey, let's go down and have a seat on the CREmains boulder of that nice couple, read the Sunday paper and have a cup of coffee"

That is just friggin creepy. MAYBE if we were like Ted Turner and had some 300 acre spread in the middle of Montana... but c'mon... who wants CREmains and a memorial on the place they buy? I think maybe Dan's worked a little too long in the mortuary. Sniffed a little too much embalming fluid.

O.k. speaking of sniffin' too much embalming fluid - our neighbors to the West? The husband told Furry Husband that he'd appreciate it if I didn't spray weeds when it's windy cuz I killed 2 of his trees when I sprayed the fence line last year.

So this is funny for several reasons.
1. I don't spray the fence line anymore and haven't for probably 3 years
2. I can't even kill MY WEEDS, let alone a friggin' tree
3. The wind blows from the West to the East...so even if I DID spray next to his property on a windy day, it'd be blowing back into OUR property not onto his trees further West.

Furry Husband smiled and said he'd tell me. Of course we won't say anything because it's not worth it - pick your battles and all that .... but I know deep in my heart that I did not kill their damn trees.