When you're alone, you are nothing but alone....

Bruce Springsteen song that came on my iPod play list this AM at the gym....  and yup.  That is the truth.

I'm so sad today.  Part of it is pms hormones cuz I was ok yesterday and nothing changed between then and now.  And then wham.  fucking hormones hit. 

I've lost many of my old friends because I've left Dave.  They don't actually ask me how I am - they speculate and gossip and get mad and say nasty things...who knows what.  When I've confronted them, they say they speculate and gossip because they are worried about me.  But then they don't actually ask me anything like how are you?  And no one stops by anymore and no one calls or emails anymore and no one invites me anywhere.

All the ones that were supportive at first?  I guess they got over the "shock" and NOW they have decided to hate me.  heh.  Who knew? 

So for those who WANT me to hurt out of some sort of feelings of injustice or loyalty to Dave.  Oh, trust me.  I am. 

I actually was invited to a neighbor's pool party a week or so ago and the aforementioned "friends" would not talk to me or look at me.  If I tried to interject into a conversation I was ignored and looked through.  It was the most uncomfortable and hurtful place I've been in a long time.

Dave isn't even that mad or mean to me.  And if anyone is to be mad or mean, it would be HIM.  But he and I are level with each other.  Both sad for the loss and struggling with the change but we still are nice to each other and care about each other.  I wish nothing but the good and the best and the fastest healing for him. 

So yeah.  This seperating and divorce thing sucks ass.  Not only for the struggle between the two married people - and the struggle is THEIRS to know and deal with and you simply can't make anyone see or understand it... it's between those two people.  It's their history and marriage.... but damn for all the ripples created once it's happened. 

Fuck.  It's hard enough.

I talked with my sister about how once you go thru something so life changing and hard like this it really opens your eyes to judgement and empathy and how if only you'd known what it was like you would have been more kind to so and so or you would have called them more often or checked in with them more... if only you had known. 

Experiences like this sure change one's perspective in being more available for others who might be struggling.  Those friends of mine who have stuck with me - not changed their behavior towards me?  Oh how I value them.  Oh how I love them and I am so incredibly grateful for them....

They know who they are. 

Peace to anyone struggling... I hope you find peace and love and empathy.

Cheers -