When you're alone, you are nothing but alone....

Bruce Springsteen song that came on my iPod play list this AM at the gym....  and yup.  That is the truth.

I'm so sad today.  Part of it is pms hormones cuz I was ok yesterday and nothing changed between then and now.  And then wham.  fucking hormones hit. 

I've lost many of my old friends because I've left Dave.  They don't actually ask me how I am - they speculate and gossip and get mad and say nasty things...who knows what.  When I've confronted them, they say they speculate and gossip because they are worried about me.  But then they don't actually ask me anything like how are you?  And no one stops by anymore and no one calls or emails anymore and no one invites me anywhere.

All the ones that were supportive at first?  I guess they got over the "shock" and NOW they have decided to hate me.  heh.  Who knew? 

So for those who WANT me to hurt out of some sort of feelings of injustice or loyalty to Dave.  Oh, trust me.  I am. 

I actually was invited to a neighbor's pool party a week or so ago and the aforementioned "friends" would not talk to me or look at me.  If I tried to interject into a conversation I was ignored and looked through.  It was the most uncomfortable and hurtful place I've been in a long time.

Dave isn't even that mad or mean to me.  And if anyone is to be mad or mean, it would be HIM.  But he and I are level with each other.  Both sad for the loss and struggling with the change but we still are nice to each other and care about each other.  I wish nothing but the good and the best and the fastest healing for him. 

So yeah.  This seperating and divorce thing sucks ass.  Not only for the struggle between the two married people - and the struggle is THEIRS to know and deal with and you simply can't make anyone see or understand it... it's between those two people.  It's their history and marriage.... but damn for all the ripples created once it's happened. 

Fuck.  It's hard enough.

I talked with my sister about how once you go thru something so life changing and hard like this it really opens your eyes to judgement and empathy and how if only you'd known what it was like you would have been more kind to so and so or you would have called them more often or checked in with them more... if only you had known. 

Experiences like this sure change one's perspective in being more available for others who might be struggling.  Those friends of mine who have stuck with me - not changed their behavior towards me?  Oh how I value them.  Oh how I love them and I am so incredibly grateful for them....

They know who they are. 

Peace to anyone struggling... I hope you find peace and love and empathy.

Cheers -

Scared

A friend in college once told me:  "It's a wiggly world"

Yes. 

Yes it is.

Since the last time I blogged - I told my husband of 15 yrs and whom I dated 2 yrs before we got married... so 17 years... I told him I didn't want to be married any more.

Didn't think it would happen to me.  I thought my life would be over if Dave and I were no longer married.  I really and truly did not think this could happen.

My life is not over.

However it's weird.  And change that big is scary.  And I wish I had my Mom through all of this but I don't.  I really, really, really wish for that. 

I think I am fine.  Everyone I talk to says I am processing things so well and I'm so healthy.  And I think that yes, that is pretty accurate.  I'm not completely losing my shit.  Yes, there is sadness and of course mourning. 

I think a lot of times I don't "get" to feel sad or mournful since I'm the one that asked for this.  I kinda feel like I can't be sad and my voice should not be heard.  I kinda feel like I should quietly disappear actually.

Tho' lately - I think now that the dust has settled and reality of what has happened is now in front of me - I've been feeling really weird.  A bad feeling.  So uncomfortable.  I thought about it - sat with it - tried to define it.  It isn't just the sad and honestly many days I'm not sad - I am really ok.  It's something else.

I've decided I think it's because I'm scared. 

I'm not sure why I'm scared?  My house is the same and is now in my name.  My job is the same and is in no danger.  My friends are the same and everyone has been so incredibly supportive when for some reason I thought everyone would hate me.  No one does.  Dave and I remain friendly and think we will be friends when all this is said and done.  I don't have children to worry about.  I'm not really afraid to be on my own... or I don't think I am.  I've always been pretty independent.

And yet I'm still scared.  And it's a really icky feeling and I wish it would go away.  It's unsettling.  Like the other shoe is gonna drop... I'm gonna wake up to zombie plague... something... something is going to happen...

Only it already did. 

This is my new normal and I can make it whatever I want to make it.  That isn't a bad thing.  It's just different.   I suppose time will tell.  Time heals all...