Friday, June 17, 2016

Coming back....

OK - so that dinner with former friends / neighbors... dude.  That fucking shook me and left me in a really dark place.  Really dark.  Really really really fucking dark. 

Like I am The Destroyer of Men... that song by Henry Rollins.. Four Sticks... "you take a man and you crush him, you take his spine and you snap it...that's what you do... that's what you do" 

yeah.  That is me.  Destroyer of lives.

I destroyed my Dad when I put him into a nursing home - took away everything he had ... I destroyed Dave when I left - took away "our happy little life"...I was the cause of my Mothers physical abuse because she told me when Dad came home and if something was wrong with me as a baby - a scrape, a scratch, she was beaten for it ... I wasn't enough to take care of my sister thru all the domestic violence and foster homes when we were little - I couldn't protect her.  (uh hello, I was like 3 or 4 --- who COULD take care of anyone at that age???)  And I know... I know...  I will destroy Boyfriend at some point in time... and every happy statement he makes about us together... I cringe... because I am THE DESTROYER and I think ... just wait Boyfriend... just wait... I will ruin your life too...

I don't want to be in that place any more.  It isn't the truth.  It is dark and dank and putrid and evil.  That is not me.  I am NOT a destroyer.  Never my intent or want.  Never want to hurt anyone.  I am kind.  I am a really nice person. 

Visit with my therapist...

And started reading things.  Jade Teta has been hitting the nail on the head lately.  He had some posts about our "super powers" as humans on this planet.  Google him if you are interested.

Anyway - he said while going through a rough time, he wrote a core statement about himself.  At first the sad/overwhelmed depressed me thought I can't do that... I don't have anything to write. 

And then the survivor in me stood up from somewhere in the back row balcony of the house packed full of sad and horrible and called bullshit on that.  Of course you do - you can write something.  So I penned one out.  It did help.. helped me to see ME from what I know to be true of myself vs. from other perspectives or from all the wierdos out there that have some issue with me now post-Dave and the strange made-up stories they tell themselves about me.

And Mr. Teta talked about how you re-write your story.  FUCK YES.  My story does not have to be wallowing in sadness.  I do not have to accept the less than treatment of people due to circumstances that in no way affected how they live their lives or carry on in this world.  I don't need to be the destroyer in my story.   I can re-write.

He talks about our perception being a choice.  Yes.  As hard as that is to accept.  Yes.  I am choosing to let the shit overflow in my head.  It's time to make another choice. 

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love which just beginning is spot on as well.  She talks about 2 yrs of depression/sadness from the divorce and still while that is happening good things happen too... and how the person she was married to... they knew each other better than anyone else on the planet and once the split happened, they became instant strangers.  Truth.  And it is so weird.  It's like I've just disappeared - become invisible and like I've never existed.  I've been erased.  Last 17 yrs just gone.  Like it never happened.  poof. 

And I've seen the movie so I know it ends well... or maybe that was Under the Tuscan Sun... anyway.  Whatever.  It ends well and her words are spot on so far. 

So nice to have some validation - even if it is in a book that was made into a movie... cuz man... I sometimes feel like a complete island.  I touch no one and no one touches me... I am a rock... I am an island...  I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain, it's laughter and it's loving I disdain... I am a rock... I am an island.... Paul Simon

I don't wanna be the rock... I don't wanna be the island.  I am a happy person, I LIKE people, I like making people feel good - I am an encourager in this world.  And I think in general the world needs more encouragement cuz it's way way way too easy to hear all the negative bullshit and that is exactly what it is - BULLSHIT and apply it to yourself. 

Soooo.  Based on my therapist visit I am trying to meditate 10 min a day.  I am mostly using that to self talk in nice ways to myself. 

I have this sign up in my cubicle at work "The Words You Speak Become The House You Live In".  I have been speaking horribly to myself... horrible things and thoughts.  Turning that around.  Tearing down the dark, dank, shitty house I've been living in. 

Building a new house.  A lighter house.  A happier house to live in. 

While I'm not sure I believe in God - I am spiritual and so I am saying things like: "you are worthy.  you are worth loving.  you deserve to be here.  you are here for a reason.  you are a survivor.  you are a champion.  you are so worth love. you are here for a reason.  the divine created you for something.  you ARE worthy." 

I am trying to find gratitude - thankful for the things I am blessed with and given the grace to experience/feel/see/hear/touch/taste... thank-you for the beautiful blue sky... the sunset... being able to see the moon at 7pm at night in the sky... for my happy little stump tailed dog....talenti gelato and sorbet on sale in chocolate and chocolate chip coffee...  

I am reading and re-reading the Jade Teta blog posts... re-writing my story.  Defining myself using only myself for input and not the negative of others.  Defining what is important to me.  Looking for where I want to go...

Yes - of course sadness is still around... like a wolf with steely eyes just waiting for me to falter so he can spring up and pull me back down... yes, it is still there I can feel him watching me... waiting...

However, right now I am Shannon Fucking Schierling.  I am happy, I love laughing, I like to play and be excited about little things and smile -

In college a roommate brought home a guy... in the AM when he came out of her room, he saw me and his face lit up, "you are that girl who smiles ALL the time!  I see you out and you are ALWAYS smiling!"  Yeah.  THAT is the me I know...

I love encouraging others and helping them to see they are GOOD and WORTHY... none of us are as bad as we think we are.  (ahem - including ME dammit!)

My old life is gone.  Door closed. 

My new life and story is being written...

I want it to be a happy story... one that makes people laugh and smile and feel good.  Most of all I want to be happy, laugh and smile again.  I'm don't want the darkness anymore... unless it's the night sky with a moon and stars.  That kind of dark I can handle.... 

I will find new friends.  I will forge a new path.  I have survived and will continue to survive.  I am a survivor.